This will come as a surprise to absolutely nobody, but I don't enjoy failing. And I hate feeling paralyzed by failure even more.
Unsurprisingly, I've failed in my life. Many times in fact. I've made mistakes and messed up. But I try not to let my past failures hold me back.
I don't want to stop taking risks because I feel scared of rejection.
That being said, I'm still afraid of things.
I can get over disappointing others, letting everyone else down. Yet I have a hard time moving past the idea of failing myself again and again.
My memory works great when remembering the bad. Not only do I remember my failures, I also have a knack for recalling my near failures.
What compounds the problem is my own perception of failure. My personal definition doesn't match up with any found in a dictionary. Some definition I have.
In the past, I used to tell my friends or classmates I failed a test. Most took that to mean I didn't ace it. I don't blame them.
For a while, I deemed any grade less than an A to be an F for failure.
When I think about my academic career thus far, I wonder how much of my success in school was because I felt so afraid of failing, I worked as hard as possible to ensure I wouldn't.
And although fear can be a great motivator, it can also be a dream killer.
The thought process for some may be if I'm going to fail anyway, why bother trying at all?
I hate that sort of mentality, but I also fall into this trap from time to time.
On certain days, I genuinely believe I'm not any good. (Writing the aforementioned sentence has made me emotional.)
I think I'm not enough. I'll never be smart enough or good enough or beautiful enough.
I have not been this emotional writing a blog post. Ever. Four years. One thousand plus posts. And I finally break down while writing one. About time, huh?
A part of me wishes I could rewind my life and go back to the days I felt fearless. A time when the idea of failure didn't cross my mind. A moment when it didn't matter to me what anyone else thought.
I'd also like to have my almost-started-crying-while-penning-a-blog-post card back. Oh well. I can live without it.