Personal Reflection

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear is failure. And even though I know it’s highly unlikely I’ll fail a university course, I still feel so paranoid. There’s a possibility I will. That terrifies me.

I don’t want to fail. That being said, I’ve learned more from my failures than from my successes. I’m not sure when I started to be so afraid of failing. But nowadays I can’t stop thinking about it.

I try to reason. I try to be logical. I’m sure a part of me understands that any type of failure isn’t the end of the world. Most things are replaceable, repairable. Situations can be altered. Problems can be fixed. Mistakes can be rectified.

I fear failing. Or maybe I fear the fear of failing. Am I making sense?

I feel as though I’m not good enough. I feel bad at things I’m not bad at. I feel like a complete fraud.

Suffice to say I’ve been doubting my abilities and fearing the worst as of late.

I have nightmares about two things: being late and failing everything.

At times, I’m so afraid of the latter. It’s somewhat problematic.

I keep telling myself I’ll be okay, I’m fine. The world isn’t going to end.

Still, I can’t help but think I’m my own worst enemy. I’m not helping myself.

I like to believe I fear because I care. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t fear. And I’m fond of saying I’d rather care too much than too little. That means I’d rather fear than not? Fear everything than fear nothing? I don’t know. I don’t have an answer.

I’m trying to push through my fear and not let it become an excuse. I can act upon my fears. It’s about time I face mine. I can’t let my feelings about failure stop me from acting.

Maybe what I should fear instead is inaction. That’s scarier, isn’t it? Not doing anything at all.

4 thoughts on “My Biggest Fear

  1. We went through the “Test Anxiety” in course. U of T got part of it flat out wrong on teaching to suppression if need be.

    They also said put a “Coach” in the classroom to check your teaching performance. I’m one of those too and this is how I know they got some things wrong.

    You know what it is that is eating you. You know you have to do the exams. Put it together. Finding a way to trust yourself is difficult. Trusting what you know is going to be the correct answer.

    Looking back on past performance helps. You know you had the anxiety and you did your exams. How’d you do on those exams? Did you get through them and say to yourself, “I knew I had this stuff”?

    So if you knew you had it then why wouldn’t you have it now because you have done the work?

    Like

    1. Oh, I didn’t know that. I’m not surprised though.

      Mhm, I think a coach or mentor would help.

      Right. I always seem to doubt myself. Solid advice.

      For sure. I look back and reflect all the time. You’ve read my mind.

      Sometimes I feel I haven’t worked hard enough. More often than not, I don’t give myself enough credit. True. Well said.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This makes complete sense. We’re all afraid of failing, I think that’s just part of human nature, especially if you care so much about something. But you’re right; what’s worse than failure is not trying at all.

    Like

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