My biggest fear is failure. And even though I know it’s highly unlikely I’ll fail a university course, I still feel so paranoid. There’s a possibility I will. That terrifies me.
I don’t want to fail. That being said, I’ve learned more from my failures than from my successes. I’m not sure when I started to be so afraid of failing. But nowadays I can’t stop thinking about it.
I try to reason. I try to be logical. I’m sure a part of me understands that any type of failure isn’t the end of the world. Most things are replaceable, repairable. Situations can be altered. Problems can be fixed. Mistakes can be rectified.
I fear failing. Or maybe I fear the fear of failing. Am I making sense?
I feel as though I’m not good enough. I feel bad at things I’m not bad at. I feel like a complete fraud.
Suffice to say I’ve been doubting my abilities and fearing the worst as of late.
I have nightmares about two things: being late and failing everything.
At times, I’m so afraid of the latter. It’s somewhat problematic.
I keep telling myself I’ll be okay, I’m fine. The world isn’t going to end.
Still, I can’t help but think I’m my own worst enemy. I’m not helping myself.
I like to believe I fear because I care. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t fear. And I’m fond of saying I’d rather care too much than too little. That means I’d rather fear than not? Fear everything than fear nothing? I don’t know. I don’t have an answer.
I’m trying to push through my fear and not let it become an excuse. I can act upon my fears. It’s about time I face mine. I can’t let my feelings about failure stop me from acting.
Maybe what I should fear instead is inaction. That’s scarier, isn’t it? Not doing anything at all.