Fears, Doubts, And Uncertainties

Because almost nothing in life is a guarantee, there will always be some degree of uncertainty to it.

I’m at a point in life where I have doubts. I don’t know as much as I’d like to. I have more questions than answers.

I feel somewhat scared when I think about the future, especially imagining worst-case scenarios. What if nothing works out?

As I get older, there are more things I’m expected to do that I’ve never done before. Obligations and responsibilities galore. Being an adult isn’t so glamorous.

First time for everything, right? Oftentimes the first anything isn’t easy. First job. First love. First house.

Taking things one day at a time helps. Otherwise, I’d get overwhelmed thinking about my life thirty years from now.

After all, we only ever have right now. This very moment. The present.

Even though I joke about being old, I’m only twenty. I haven’t been around that long. I still have so much to experience. If anything, I’m just getting started.

When I was younger, I felt more confident in myself. I believed in my abilities. But right now, I’m not so sure.

I feel like I’m standing on uneven ground.

To be frank, I’m not where I want to be. Far from it. Hopefully, I’ll get where I want to go sooner rather than later. When the time is right, I’ll get to my destination.

I don’t feel ready or prepared at all for anything. But that’s okay. I’ll learn as fast as I can. I can always get better.

I can’t redo some firsts. But I can use those experiences the second time around, the third, so on and so forth.

Who cares if I fail the first time? Who cares if I don’t do well right away?

So what if I lose instead of win? So what if I get rejected 99 times out of 100?

If everything came easy, what would be the point of doing anything at all?

Writing this has given me some much needed perspective. I hope it helps anyone out there who needed to hear these words.

No matter what happens, you’re going to be okay.

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A Life Update You Didn’t Ask For

As I’m prone to do, I’ve been thinking a lot. Which is how this post of thoughts came to be.

I think I like the idea of making changes to this blog more than I like making change.

Obviously, my brain obsesses over blogging when I’m swamped with schoolwork. But maybe over the holidays, I’ll tinker with things.

Somehow, NaNo is in full swing. To be quite honest, I’m not trying to reach 50,000 words or any kind of a word count for that matter. Right now it’s enough to write every day even if the words are terrible.

I’m writing prose. I hope to start a novel and see the story through until the end. So far so good.

In a perfect world, I’d make writing my first priority. But I don’t live in a perfect world. It’s still a priority, just not my first or only.

My reasoning is when I’m eighty years old I won’t be able to dance to the extent I can now. I doubt my body will respond well to doing cartwheels then. Though I like to believe I’ll still be able to write when I’m an old lady.

For that reason, I’m trying to dance as much and as well as I can at this age.

Dance isn’t something I bring up much on this blog. I wonder if I should. There are definitely parallels I can draw between dancing and writing, blogging.

On another note, I’m quite pleased with my reading. Not so with my reviewing. I’m horribly behind in editing and posting book reviews.

I realize I’m better at keeping up with fictional novels than I am with non-fiction. Still, I try to read some non-fiction on the subway ride home, even though I don’t say so on Goodreads. I’m just more casual with my non-fiction reading.

Overall, I’m doing the best I can. That’s what matters to me.

I debated not bringing up school, but since I’m a full-time student, I figured I will. Despite all the assignments due this month and next, I’m managing. I haven’t failed anything. I like to believe I won’t.

If you’ve read this far, kudos to you. I hope you’re doing well. Wishing you the very best life has to offer. Take care. I want to see you around here.

 

Going Without The Internet For 6 Hours

So the other day my internet service provider decided to fail me for about 6 hours. It stopped working after 2 p.m. The company got it back up around 9 o’clock at night.

Without access to more modern technology, I read a bit. Then I spent a lot of time dealing with a stubborn kitchen sink. Not exactly how I imagined my day when I woke up in the morning.

About halfway through the baseball game, our TV service was interrupted. So I missed a good part of the game.

During that period, I made several trips to a hardware store in hopes of fixing a leaky kitchen sink. My family eventually replaced the old kitchen sink with a new one.

My original plan consisted of reading a lot and staying at home to relax. Unfortunately, I didn’t read much. Even more unfortunate, the faucet fix was more stressful than it should’ve been.

Life happened. Still, the world isn’t going to end. Somehow that day worked out okay. Not perfect or ideal but then again when is life ever either?

I kept reminding myself the sun will rise tomorrow, and so will I.

I was feeling antsy because I wasn’t sure if the internet would work before midnight. I try to publish a blog post every day, and I hadn’t published one yet. I shouldn’t procrastinate until the last hour. But I do all the time.

It’s been a transitional time for me. I’m doing my best to stay positive by looking on the bright side and appreciating the little things in life. Cliché, I know. But I’m being honest.

I’m glad I still have a safe space with this blog in a crazy world.

After My First Day Of School

I’m writing this after my first day of school. Third year of university to be exact.

It wasn’t an eventful day. I had two classes. I’m glad it’s over.

I didn’t feel as nervous or worried this year. In fact, I very much look forward to learning in a classroom setting again.

Here’s an abridged version of my day:

I woke around six. Then I willed myself to fall back asleep.

I got out of bed after 8:30. I ate, read, and exercised. Then I left the house.

I took a bus and then the subway to get downtown. I wrote poems on the way there. I’m writing this post on the way back.

I had two classes back to back. Both related to media. During the short time I had after the first class, I ate a late lunch.

I realize this is boring. Nothing exciting happened. I’m not that interesting of a personto begin with.

I plan to stretch and dance soon after I get home.

My goal for tonight is to read more. I only had time for one short chapter in the morning.

I’m also going to edit a blog post and publish it before midnight. I have about a thousand drafts. I doubt I’ll ever let that number get down to zero.

I love journaling before bed. I enjoy reflecting upon the day.

Isn’t my life so much fun to read about?

I do the same things every 24 hours, which means I won’t be recounting my day anytime soon. I wouldn’t bore you like that. Instead, I’ll bore you with my opinions about anything and everything.

Sometimes I wonder whether I should publish the personal posts I write. There are tons among those one thousand drafts. There’s an annoying voice in my head that says no one cares. But I care, which is what matters.

More often than not, I write these posts for myself.

Hopefully, you’re able to take something away from them.

The Night Before My First Day Of School

The night before my first day of class, my phone charger stopped working. And that made me freak out more than the thought of going back to school.

So I was running around the house trying to figure out what to do. Eventually, I found another charger in a bag which was in another bag on the top shelf of my closet. This extra charger was a gift from a family friend. At the time, I thought I’d never use it. How silly of me.

I know I don’t need my phone to survive. But it’s nice to have a phone and a fully charged one on the first day back.

I’m also realizing just how much I use my phone now that I’m a writer and blogger. I use the WordPress app all the time to write posts, edit drafts, send comments.

So I see the logic in that one is none. Two is one. If you only have one of something and it breaks down or becomes unusable, you don’t have that thing anymore.

You just never know.

Things break. So it’s nice to have a backup, a replacement. Ditto for saving your files and having copies of your work everywhere.

So I’m not as stressed right now because after running around with my head cut off, I’ve regained myself enough to write this blog post.

The phone screen is cracked, my original charger and headphones don’t work anymore. I need a new phone. Shame I’m broke, though.

Feeling Behind In Blogging

I’m behind on a lot of things, especially with this blog. I blame school. OK, fine postseason baseball too.

I’m not sure I’ll ever catch up. That’s okay. There will always be more work to do and not enough hours in the day.

I try to write and blog every day. I don’t have a problem doing so. But because I handwrite, I have to transcribe what I’ve written onto WordPress at some point.

I’ve been struggling to keep to say the least. I have poems and stories I wrote in 2016 still not typed up. And blog posts dating back to last month.

Luckily over the summer, I kept up with blogging quite well.

Then school started.

By the time a post is ready for publication, it’s dated. Not even relevant sometimes.

As university gets busier, I fall more behind. I can only dream of catching up.

Since I’m someone who likes being on top of things and feeling like I have my life together, this situation doesn’t bode well with my psyche.

Even if I had an entire month where I didn’t have anything else to do, I’m not sure I’d be able to type up all my written poems, posts.

Aside from falling behind, I’m also a bit overwhelmed. Books and baseball don’t mix. Who would have thought?

Word by word. Day by day. I write those lines in my journal as a reminder to myself. I can’t get to the end without first beginning and focusing on what’s next. Tomorrow happens tomorrow after all.

I don’t have to write or blog, much less do so every day. But I want to. And so I do my best to make it happen.

If I was just a student I’d have a lot more time. I will never be one thing and one thing only. I’m a writer, a blogger, a reader. I’m a daughter. I’m a sister. I’m a friend. I’m all these things and so much more.

Finding that balance is perhaps the toughest, trickiest part.

I only have so many hours in the day and so much energy to expend on any given project.

As much as I want to do almost everything, I can’t. But I’d much rather do a few things well than do a lot of stuff badly.

 

A Terrifying Transition

One of these days I’ll stop talking about my 20th birthday. Today isn’t one of those days.

To be honest, I feel good about where I am right now. Better than I have in a long time.

A while ago, I was talking to one of my high school teachers. Somehow my birthday in August came up. He made a point that stuck with me. I wish I remember his words exactly. Something like my having a birthday during an anxious, stressful time of the year. I couldn’t have agreed more.

I used to feel horrible in the mornings right before school. It’s not that I hated school inherently. But the thought of having to deal with people sent my heart pumping even faster than exercise.

My special day is and I suspect always will be a transitional time for me even after I graduate from university in two years. Yes, I’m assuming I’ll graduate. Allow me.

The memories I have of my childhood mornings are not fun or easy. I realize I can’t change the fact that I used to dread going back to school. But a part of me thinks it’s messed up that I and many other students feel anxious or afraid.

There’s a difference between not liking something and being terrified of it.

I felt terrible for so many reasons. My overactive imagination deserves a medal or trophy. More often than not, I scared myself because I thought of horrible situations. Most never came to pass.

When I think about school now, I’m not as worried or nervous. I’m not too afraid or scared. I am excited.

I’m looking forward to the rest of this upcoming academic year because I know that regardless of what happens, the sky won’t fall on my head. The ground isn’t going to open beneath my feet and swallow me whole.

I’ll be fine. The world won’t end. And if the sun will rise every day, so can I.

My Goals For The Rest Of 2017

Since it’s somehow October, I figured I should lay out some goals for myself for the end of the year.

Schooling

I’ve been meaning to be a better student this year. I’m not sure if I’ll do anything differently, though. Work hard, work smart, and work well.

Reading

When I have busy, hectic days, reading tends to suffer more than anything else. I have sort of a binge mindset with books. But it’s tough to block out an entire hour or two to read. My lowball goal is to post at least two reviews a month, meaning I’ll need to read two books. I wish I was a faster reader and reviewer, but when it comes to reading for fun, I want to enjoy the experience. I rather not rush myself for no real reason.

Writing

Honestly, writing sometimes falls by the wayside as well. I’m not too sure what my goal is. I’ve been writing short stories and poems. All summer long, I’ve spent my mornings transcribing old work and editing current projects. I keep sending my babies out into the world. People keep rejecting them. It’s the life of a writer. In a way, I feel a bit lost. I have a lot of doubts, and so I’m not sure what I want right now.

Dancing

I don’t talk much about dance on here, although I really ought to. I’ve been having some great dance sessions as of late. When I told someone about it, she asked me if I’ll ever take dancing to the next level. I won’t. I’ve always danced for myself, and I’m mostly a self-taught dancer. But I’d like to continue stretching, dancing, and conditioning. I feel great. It’s fun. Besides, exercising my body doesn’t hurt my brain.

Blogging

Of course, I save blogging for last. It’s not something I talk about with people in real life. I have my reasons. I also have hit a bit of a weird phase creatively. I seem to fall into routines, ride the same wave over and over again. I hope I’m making sense. I’ve always wanted to write longer posts, but it doesn’t sit right with me. It’s just not who I am to be verbose and wordy. When I edit, I cut out a lot. I’d love to keep posting every day.

These are my goals. What are yours?

Saying Goodbye To Two Seasons

Even though I miss summer, I’m a fan of autumn. Cooler weather. Changing leaves.

The regular baseball season has come and gone as well. I’m now fully invested in the postseason. So much for being a responsible student.

This past summer was awesome. Mostly thanks to all of you and your continued support. I’m excited to see what the new seasons will bring.

I hope you had a great summer. I also wish you’ll have an even better fall.

I’m going to miss summer baseball. It’s been a fun few months. I’ve tried to savour every second, even the less than ideal ones.

For some reason, my mind can’t stop thinking about the future. I like to think that’s a good thing. At least it’s a sign I’m no longer obsessed with the past.

Here’s to fall being a cool season in more ways than one.

Feeling Like A Failure

The title says it all, doesn’t it?

I feel like a failure. And I’m doing my best to look on the bright side. I won’t get into all the details. I don’t want to bore you. I failed. I believe I shouldn’t have. But I did.

Knowing me that fire in my belly is burning even brighter now. I’m going to use this failure as a motivator to do better.

I think it’s easy to say I’m dumb or stupid. Right now those aren’t the words I want, much less need to hear. I’m not dumb or stupid. Failing doesn’t mean I’m useless, worthless.

We’re off to a great start to the school year already.

Don’t worry, I didn’t fail a test or anything. I just started school after all. You may be thinking how I failed on my first day back. It was a little bonus challenge. Nothing life changing, world ending.

I think if you know me well enough, you understand my definition of failure is different from everyone else’s.

I’m not sorry for holding myself to a higher standard. I have lofty goals because I know I can reach them. I intend to.

So enjoy following my journey as I fail and fail some more.

I’ll take this experience as an opportunity to learn. Besides humans are always learning. We should be anyway.

Sooner or later, I’ll have other failures on my mind. This one won’t be as important. When all is said and done, none of this will matter.

I’ve always taken failure hard. It’s probably a byproduct of how I’m wired, who I am.

I used to wonder whether it was worse to disappoint someone else or disappoint myself. I know the answer to that now.

I hate disappointing myself. Hate it more than a lot of things and people in this world.

I’ll take disappointing others over myself any day of the week. I can live with letting people down. My heart breaks when I let myself down.

Still, I rather fail and disappoint everyone in the entire universe than not try. I refuse to live with regrets. Wonder what if for the rest of my life.

I know trying and taking risks means opening myself up to failing. There will always be the possibility I fail in the worst way possible. But at least I tried, at least I know.

I may not be as fearless as I once was, but I’m not so afraid of failure that I won’t go after opportunities. Or make them myself for that matter.