Personal Reflection

Why I Am Terrified To Drive

I remember falling to the ground. Crying. Screaming. Hurting. I’ve never been in this much pain before.

I remember he’s not that much older than me. I’m sitting and he’s standing.

I remember the colour of the car. It’s blue. Light blue to be exact.

I remember now in that moment, I didn’t want anyone near me. But people started to approach.

I’m so terrified that one day the roles will be reversed. That the tables will turn.

I could never put someone else through that. A car versus a human. It hurts like hell. Recovery is hard.

I can’t stop thinking how a complete stranger completely changed the course of my life.

The front of the car hit my right leg. I fell on my left elbow. I had to have x-rays done. Fortunately, I didn’t break any bones. But in the days to come, I couldn’t even use my arm to adjust the glasses on my face, much less turn a steering wheel. So I stopped driving. And for a while, I was scared to drive again.

Even before everything happened, I felt anxious about driving. The accident made me more anxious.

I needed to write this post not for anyone else but for myself. Writing has always been my way of coping.

I know I have my demons. But I also know I can defeat them.

Nearly 11 months later, I finally took my road test and passed.

I can’t believe I went from so low to so high in the span of one year. From getting hit by a car to getting my G2 license.

Blogging · Personal Reflection

Blogging Without Knowing What I Want To Blog About

Here’s a little bit about my blogging process.

Most of the time, I’ll write a first draft by hand. Then I transcribe them. I make graphics afterwards. Later I will edit the post. And last but not least I hit publish.

But this time around I wrote a draft, transcribed it, made a graphic, and then deleted the whole post. To be more specific, I created this graphic when I was trying to write a blog post but didn’t know what I wanted to say.

So now I’m writing an entire post on my phone from complete scratch. I almost never do that.

All that to say, don’t mind the not so relevant graphic or this more personal than usual post.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this off my chest.

I’ve been very anxious lately, especially over these past few days.

I feel a lot of emotions. I realize I don’t know everything. I don’t have answers to many things. Which is part of life. But it’s been hard to write or blog because I’m not even sure who I am.

I hate feeling like I’m not good enough. But right now I feel like I’m not enough, like I’ll never be good enough.

I don’t take failure well at all. I wish I did. But my fragile ego hates failing.

I think I feel like I fail because I’m not always on the same track at the same time as everybody else.

It took me a long time to learn that I don’t have to rush life. I can take my time. I am where I need to be. I’ll get where I want to go eventually.

I don’t have to get published by a certain age. I don’t have to get a boyfriend, get married, etc., by a certain time.

I wish I could say everything that’s in my brain more eloquently.

I’m allowed to go at my own pace. I’m also allowed to fail and mess up and make my mistakes. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’m not good enough.

Writing

When You’re Feeling Anxious About The Future

When you’re feeling anxious about the future, remember to breathe. Focus on your breathing.

You can’t control everything. Change what you can. Don’t worry about the rest.

Double check. Triple check. Don’t let anything slip through the cracks. Make sure you’re on the right track.

Failure is inevitable. You will fail. You’ll lose. The key is to hold your head high.

Take rejection like a professional. You’re one step closer to success.

Try to live in the present. It’s so much easier said than done. But you only have today. You don’t know what tomorrow may bring, much less next year.

Appreciate your own accomplishments. You’re here because you’ve succeeded in the past. There’s no reason why you can’t succeed again.

Let go. Leave the baggage behind. Your past doesn’t dictate your future unless you let it. Likewise, your current circumstances don’t dictate what’s to come. Things change. People do too.

Believe in your dreams over your nightmares. One day, you will get where you want to go. But you have to take the steps to get there. Take life one day at a time, one deadline at a time.

You can’t do it all. You don’t have to. Everyone has 24 hours.

You’re stronger than you feel. You’re smarter than you think. In fact, you’re better than you know.

You can give something your all or you can get nothing instead.

Do what you want. Do what you need. Do makes you happy.

It’s OK to forget. Sometimes you have to forgive others. Other times, you have to forgive yourself.

Take care of your body now, so you’ll be healthy later. It’s easier to stay in shape than it is to get back into shape. Self-care extends beyond exercising.

If you’re struggling, ask for help. You’re not alone. You will never be.

When you’re anxious about the future, imagine a better world. Get excited about new possibilities. You don’t need to have all the answers, just a desire to ask questions.

School

What I Do When I Feel Overwhelmed

What do I do when I feel overwhelmed? I write about feeling overwhelmed in hopes I’ll feel better afterwards. But sometimes it makes me more stressed or anxious.

Some days, I’m not sure how I manage to balance my passions with my obligations. Even though I can’t optimize everything all the time, that doesn’t stop me from trying.

One time, I was telling my friend I didn’t know if I’d be able to get everything done. Bless her for saying I always do.

I have a lot of work and too little time. My confidence is a bit shaky right now. I blame my mastery over procrastination.

If only I had more time. But I don’t have 25 hours in a day, I can’t write my essays next year. So I just have to make the most of it.

Because I’m a stubborn human being, there are things I refuse to give up even with deadlines looming.

I like to think I can write relatively well. That said, I doubt I’ll ever let myself forget how hard writing is.

Working with words takes time, regardless of skill and talent.

It’s been a while since I’ve had this much school related stuff to handle. I’m kind of freaking out.

But that small voice in my head tells me I’ll get everything done to a decent extent. I’ve accepted the fact I can’t make everything perfect. So I’m covering my bases as much as possible.

In a perfect world, I’d ace everything. But my real world won’t end if I don’t. My ego might suffer, but it deserves a reality check once in a while.

Somehow I’ll survive. I need to make good decisions in the following weeks. I should be fine. If I make terrible choices, that’s on me. I can’t blame anybody. Besides, I reap what I sow. I also don’t reap what I don’t sow.

Personal Reflection

I Hate Being Bored

There’s something to be said for my hatred of boredom. I hate being bored. I’ll do just about anything if it means I’m doing something.

That explains why I also despise waiting. I try to do things while I’m waiting. Otherwise, I’d lose my mind.

But due to circumstances I didn’t see coming, I had to wait at the dentist for a while without anything to keep me occupied. I didn’t have pen or paper. I didn’t have a book. I didn’t have my phone.

So even though I felt a bit frustrated at first, I resorted to observing others.

I got to observe a father and son. Maybe a story will come out of it. Maybe not. I’ll have to add some kind of conflict or tension because the two were so happy. Meanwhile there was me being all bitter.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to handle parenthood, especially being a single mother. Although there wouldn’t be a dull moment in my life again if I had a kid to look after.

I kept thinking to myself why can’t I just sit and wait for a while? Because I don’t sit and wait ever.

I always feel like I should be doing something. I cannot not do anything. I feel weird and wrong doing nothing. I tried to relax. After all, there wasn’t much I could do. But to be honest I was anything but relaxed. I felt anxious. I felt I needed to be reading, writing, something.

Of course, I did a lot of thinking during the time. Part of me wishes I had a way of recording my thoughts then because I’ve forgotten them all now. I’d love to have some sort of technology to do that.

Of course, things worked out just fine. The world didn’t end. The sky didn’t fall.

Still, this isn’t an experience I’d like to repeat again. But it made me think about myself, about life in general.

Waiting at the dentist was almost as bad as watching paint dry.

Anyhow, this turned out to be one of the more interesting trips to the dentist I’ve had in a long time. That said, my last trip entailed running on about three hours of sleep right after an exam. That’s a story in and of itself.

Personal Reflection · School

A Terrifying Transition

One of these days I’ll stop talking about my 20th birthday. Today isn’t one of those days.

To be honest, I feel good about where I am right now. Better than I have in a long time.

A while ago, I was talking to one of my high school teachers. Somehow my birthday in August came up. He made a point that stuck with me. I wish I remember his words exactly. Something like my having a birthday during an anxious, stressful time of the year. I couldn’t have agreed more.

I used to feel horrible in the mornings right before school. It’s not that I hated school inherently. But the thought of having to deal with people sent my heart pumping even faster than exercise.

My special day is and I suspect always will be a transitional time for me even after I graduate from university in two years. Yes, I’m assuming I’ll graduate. Allow me.

The memories I have of my childhood mornings are not fun or easy. I realize I can’t change the fact that I used to dread going back to school. But a part of me thinks it’s messed up that I and many other students feel anxious or afraid.

There’s a difference between not liking something and being terrified of it.

I felt terrible for so many reasons. My overactive imagination deserves a medal or trophy. More often than not, I scared myself because I thought of horrible situations. Most never came to pass.

When I think about school now, I’m not as worried or nervous. I’m not too afraid or scared. I am excited.

I’m looking forward to the rest of this upcoming academic year because I know that regardless of what happens, the sky won’t fall on my head. The ground isn’t going to open beneath my feet and swallow me whole.

I’ll be fine. The world won’t end. And if the sun will rise every day, so can I.

Writing

22 Post NaNoWriMo Feelings

  1. Indecisive
  2. Perplexed
  3. Calm
  4. Fatigued
  5. Distressed
  6. Restless
  7. Relieved
  8. Pessimistic
  9. Lonely
  10. Worried
  11. Satisfied
  12. Anxious
  13. Weary
  14. Cheerful
  15. Alienated
  16. Nervous
  17. Excited
  18. Frustrated
  19. Amused
  20. Fatigued
  21. Paralyzed
  22. Jubilation
Blogging · Personal Reflection · Reading · Writing

How To Cope With Stress

Unfortunately, stress is inevitable. Fortunately, there are ways to handle stress.

Let me start off by saying for every healthy way of coping, there’s an unhealthy way. Below I included 10 different techniques that I personally use to cope with stress.

Since exams are right around the corner for me, I figured writing this post will be quite beneficial to my sanity.

  • Blogging for fun.

I’ll admit: sometimes blogging adds additional stress. A few months ago, when I first started this blog, I felt like I needed to blog every day. Currently, I have started becoming a bit more lenient on my blogging schedule. Blogging is supposed to help calm you down, not agitate you further.

  • Eating right.

Eating junk food makes you feel great in the short term; however, in the long run, it just adds unnecessary negativity to your life. So be mindful of your food choices because a well-nourished body beats an under-nourished body any day. I’m not trying to nag but no matter how pressed for time you are, don’t skip breakfast.

  • Going for a walk.

Studies show that walking reduces stress and increases life expectancy. Remember 20 minutes of walking is still better than nothing. Besides, you’re probably walking more often than you even realize you do.

  • Listening to music.

Just about every teenager I know listens to music in some form, to some extent. I think I know why. Music has an uncanny ability to make even the most awful situations seem bearable.

  • Reading a good book.

Reading provides a get-a-way from the real world. And, sometimes, we all need a little vacation or two. When an actual vacation isn’t practical, curling up with a book is the best alternative.

  • Sleeping well.

The body restores and repairs itself during the night when we’re supposed to be asleep. Depriving yourself of sleep is the equivalent of torturing yourself. If you find that you are not getting enough sleep, see if caffeine or sugar is the culprit.

  • Taking a bath.

Think of something peaceful and soothing. Better yet, think of nothing at all. Your shower/bath time is yours and yours alone.

  • Talking to a friend.

Expressing your feelings to someone can be quite liberating. Try it and see if you feel better. There’s no harm in talking with a trusted friend or family member.

  • Working out.

Exercise releases endorphins, hormones that increases your happiness levels. Things like biking, dancing or swimming keeps your body fit, your mind relaxed, and your emotions stable.

  • Writing in a journal.

Well, well, well…you had to have known I’d include a writing related method to handle stress. Even though you may not be a writer yourself, that doesn’t mean you can’t write, right?

The above are things I try to do on a daily basis. Still, I can’t help but feel anxious, nervous, and uneasy. Perhaps I just don’t do them enough?

What works for you? In other words, how do you cope?