Creative Writing

Never Fail To Get Up | A Poem

Don’t feel bad

for not knowing

You don’t have to do it all

just take a step

right then left

Struggle behind closed doors

so you can succeed

in front of everyone

those you don’t want to let down

The best fall

but they never fail to get up

brush off the dirt

keep going

never look back

Personal Reflection

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear is failure. And even though I know it’s highly unlikely I’ll fail a university course, I still feel so paranoid. There’s a possibility I will. That terrifies me.

I don’t want to fail. That being said, I’ve learned more from my failures than from my successes. I’m not sure when I started to be so afraid of failing. But nowadays I can’t stop thinking about it.

I try to reason. I try to be logical. I’m sure a part of me understands that any type of failure isn’t the end of the world. Most things are replaceable, repairable. Situations can be altered. Problems can be fixed. Mistakes can be rectified.

I fear failing. Or maybe I fear the fear of failing. Am I making sense?

I feel as though I’m not good enough. I feel bad at things I’m not bad at. I feel like a complete fraud.

Suffice to say I’ve been doubting my abilities and fearing the worst as of late.

I have nightmares about two things: being late and failing everything.

At times, I’m so afraid of the latter. It’s somewhat problematic.

I keep telling myself I’ll be okay, I’m fine. The world isn’t going to end.

Still, I can’t help but think I’m my own worst enemy. I’m not helping myself.

I like to believe I fear because I care. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t fear. And I’m fond of saying I’d rather care too much than too little. That means I’d rather fear than not? Fear everything than fear nothing? I don’t know. I don’t have an answer.

I’m trying to push through my fear and not let it become an excuse. I can act upon my fears. It’s about time I face mine. I can’t let my feelings about failure stop me from acting.

Maybe what I should fear instead is inaction. That’s scarier, isn’t it? Not doing anything at all.

Personal Reflection

Fears, Doubts, And Uncertainties

Because almost nothing in life is a guarantee, there will always be some degree of uncertainty to it.

I’m at a point in life where I have doubts. I don’t know as much as I’d like to. I have more questions than answers.

I feel somewhat scared when I think about the future, especially imagining worst-case scenarios. What if nothing works out?

As I get older, there are more things I’m expected to do that I’ve never done before. Obligations and responsibilities galore. Being an adult isn’t so glamorous.

First time for everything, right? Oftentimes the first anything isn’t easy. First job. First love. First house.

Taking things one day at a time helps. Otherwise, I’d get overwhelmed thinking about my life thirty years from now.

After all, we only ever have right now. This very moment. The present.

Even though I joke about being old, I’m only twenty. I haven’t been around that long. I still have so much to experience. If anything, I’m just getting started.

When I was younger, I felt more confident in myself. I believed in my abilities. But right now, I’m not so sure.

I feel like I’m standing on uneven ground.

To be frank, I’m not where I want to be. Far from it. Hopefully, I’ll get where I want to go sooner rather than later. When the time is right, I’ll get to my destination.

I don’t feel ready or prepared at all for anything. But that’s okay. I’ll learn as fast as I can. I can always get better.

I can’t redo some firsts. But I can use those experiences the second time around, the third, so on and so forth.

Who cares if I fail the first time? Who cares if I don’t do well right away?

So what if I lose instead of win? So what if I get rejected 99 times out of 100?

If everything came easy, what would be the point of doing anything at all?

Writing this has given me some much needed perspective. I hope it helps anyone out there who needed to hear these words.

No matter what happens, you’re going to be okay.

Personal Reflection

Feeling Like A Failure

The title says it all, doesn’t it?

I feel like a failure. And I’m doing my best to look on the bright side. I won’t get into all the details. I don’t want to bore you. I failed. I believe I shouldn’t have. But I did.

Knowing me that fire in my belly is burning even brighter now. I’m going to use this failure as a motivator to do better.

I think it’s easy to say I’m dumb or stupid. Right now those aren’t the words I want, much less need to hear. I’m not dumb or stupid. Failing doesn’t mean I’m useless, worthless.

We’re off to a great start to the school year already.

Don’t worry, I didn’t fail a test or anything. I just started school after all. You may be thinking how I failed on my first day back. It was a little bonus challenge. Nothing life changing, world ending.

I think if you know me well enough, you understand my definition of failure is different from everyone else’s.

I’m not sorry for holding myself to a higher standard. I have lofty goals because I know I can reach them. I intend to.

So enjoy following my journey as I fail and fail some more.

I’ll take this experience as an opportunity to learn. Besides humans are always learning. We should be anyway.

Sooner or later, I’ll have other failures on my mind. This one won’t be as important. When all is said and done, none of this will matter.

I’ve always taken failure hard. It’s probably a byproduct of how I’m wired, who I am.

I used to wonder whether it was worse to disappoint someone else or disappoint myself. I know the answer to that now.

I hate disappointing myself. Hate it more than a lot of things and people in this world.

I’ll take disappointing others over myself any day of the week. I can live with letting people down. My heart breaks when I let myself down.

Still, I rather fail and disappoint everyone in the entire universe than not try. I refuse to live with regrets. Wonder what if for the rest of my life.

I know trying and taking risks means opening myself up to failing. There will always be the possibility I fail in the worst way possible. But at least I tried, at least I know.

I may not be as fearless as I once was, but I’m not so afraid of failure that I won’t go after opportunities. Or make them myself for that matter.

 

School

Some Reminders About School

You go to school to learn, not to prove that you’re some perfect, infallible human being.

So it’s okay to make mistakes, to fail. That’s when you learn the most or should anyway.

Stop focusing on your grades, your GPA. Start focusing on getting a good education.

Learning doesn’t stop after graduation. It shouldn’t stop ever. Keep your eyes and ears open. There’s always something you don’t know.

Figure things out on your own. Don’t give up right away when the going gets though. You have to solve some problems by yourself without anyone else helping you. Still, don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

Do great work.

Don’t cheat. You’re only cheating yourself. Not just in the traditional sense either.

Be your best.

Writing

10 Things Writers Do And Can Relate To

Writers do a lot of awesome things.

  1. Writers write. On the flip side, we also do everything we can to put off writing as long as possible.
  2. Writers get ink stains. On everything. No? Just me? I will hold my wallet up proudly for all to see and proclaim my status as a wordsmith. Or just a clumsy child who ruins everything she owns.
  3. Writers observe. Not to be confused with stalking. The two are not the same. Obviously, if you write, you would know.
  4. Writers talk to themselves. And to their dogs or cats if they have any.
  5. Writers make characters suffer. It’s part of our job to.
  6. Writers fail. All the time. If you haven’t failed and/or been rejected, who are you? You’re not human. At least, you haven’t taken great risks, lived your life.
  7. Writers drink. Coffee, tea, alcohol. We drink it all. We don’t discriminate.
  8. Writers read everything. Other people’s books, our own stories. We read a lot of words.
  9. Writers play with pens. Click. Click. Click.
  10. Writers dream and daydream. Then we dream some more.

Which of these can you relate to?

Personal Reflection

Failure, Fear, And Feelings

This will come as a surprise to absolutely nobody, but I don't enjoy failing. And I hate feeling paralyzed by failure even more.

Unsurprisingly, I've failed in my life. Many times in fact. I've made mistakes and messed up. But I try not to let my past failures hold me back.

I don't want to stop taking risks because I feel scared of rejection.

That being said, I'm still afraid of things.

I can get over disappointing others, letting everyone else down. Yet I have a hard time moving past the idea of failing myself again and again.

My memory works great when remembering the bad. Not only do I remember my failures, I also have a knack for recalling my near failures.

What compounds the problem is my own perception of failure. My personal definition doesn't match up with any found in a dictionary. Some definition I have.

In the past, I used to tell my friends or classmates I failed a test. Most took that to mean I didn't ace it. I don't blame them.

For a while, I deemed any grade less than an A to be an F for failure.

When I think about my academic career thus far, I wonder how much of my success in school was because I felt so afraid of failing, I worked as hard as possible to ensure I wouldn't.

And although fear can be a great motivator, it can also be a dream killer.

The thought process for some may be if I'm going to fail anyway, why bother trying at all?

I hate that sort of mentality, but I also fall into this trap from time to time.

On certain days, I genuinely believe I'm not any good. (Writing the aforementioned sentence has made me emotional.)

I think I'm not enough. I'll never be smart enough or good enough or beautiful enough.

I have not been this emotional writing a blog post. Ever. Four years. One thousand plus posts. And I finally break down while writing one. About time, huh?

A part of me wishes I could rewind my life and go back to the days I felt fearless. A time when the idea of failure didn't cross my mind. A moment when it didn't matter to me what anyone else thought.

I'd also like to have my almost-started-crying-while-penning-a-blog-post card back. Oh well. I can live without it.

Writing

Hurry Up, April

Is it bad that I’m already looking forward to April? More specifically, I’m looking forward to Camp NaNoWriMo.

Will I participate? Yes.

Will I write 50,000 words? Probably not.

Will I let anything stop me from doing Camp? No.

I don’t know yet what I want to write about or work on. Honestly, I’ll probably decide the day before. There’s still plenty of time. Although I have a feeling April will be here before I know it.

I’m just feeling excited for the NaNo sessions this year. And I felt the need to share my excitement somewhere.

April can’t come fast enough. Even though April means exam season, Camp NaNoWriMo in a way cancels out the struggle that is school.

At least I’ll have a good reason if I fail all my exams.