Personal Reflection · Writing

My Biggest Fear In Life

My biggest fear in life isn’t failure. It’s not trying.

I somehow convince myself that I’m not good enough. As a result, I don’t try sometimes.

It’s 2019, and I’m still just as hard on myself, if not even harder.

I have to try. I have to try my best.

I know I don’t handle failure well though. I’m working on it. I wish I could easily embrace mistakes.

I’m aware that by not trying, in a way I avoid failing. Still, I fail in a different way. I fail if I don’t try.

This year, I want to take risks I haven’t before. If I don’t try, I’ll never know. If I don’t ask, the answer will always be no.

When I was younger, I was more fearless, less afraid. Back then, I felt like I had less to lose. But I don’t have much to lose now either.

Ideally, I’d publish a book before I have kids. Now that I’ve put my intention out into the world, I hope to follow through. The first step is trying to tell the best story I can. I’ve given myself a somewhat flexible due date. Without a timeline of some kind, I could spend my whole life writing novels but never publishing them. At this point, I just need to start somewhere. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, starting is the hardest part.

Personal Reflection

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear is failure. And even though I know it’s highly unlikely I’ll fail a university course, I still feel so paranoid. There’s a possibility I will. That terrifies me.

I don’t want to fail. That being said, I’ve learned more from my failures than from my successes. I’m not sure when I started to be so afraid of failing. But nowadays I can’t stop thinking about it.

I try to reason. I try to be logical. I’m sure a part of me understands that any type of failure isn’t the end of the world. Most things are replaceable, repairable. Situations can be altered. Problems can be fixed. Mistakes can be rectified.

I fear failing. Or maybe I fear the fear of failing. Am I making sense?

I feel as though I’m not good enough. I feel bad at things I’m not bad at. I feel like a complete fraud.

Suffice to say I’ve been doubting my abilities and fearing the worst as of late.

I have nightmares about two things: being late and failing everything.

At times, I’m so afraid of the latter. It’s somewhat problematic.

I keep telling myself I’ll be okay, I’m fine. The world isn’t going to end.

Still, I can’t help but think I’m my own worst enemy. I’m not helping myself.

I like to believe I fear because I care. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t fear. And I’m fond of saying I’d rather care too much than too little. That means I’d rather fear than not? Fear everything than fear nothing? I don’t know. I don’t have an answer.

I’m trying to push through my fear and not let it become an excuse. I can act upon my fears. It’s about time I face mine. I can’t let my feelings about failure stop me from acting.

Maybe what I should fear instead is inaction. That’s scarier, isn’t it? Not doing anything at all.

Personal Reflection

Feeling Like A Failure

The title says it all, doesn’t it?

I feel like a failure. And I’m doing my best to look on the bright side. I won’t get into all the details. I don’t want to bore you. I failed. I believe I shouldn’t have. But I did.

Knowing me that fire in my belly is burning even brighter now. I’m going to use this failure as a motivator to do better.

I think it’s easy to say I’m dumb or stupid. Right now those aren’t the words I want, much less need to hear. I’m not dumb or stupid. Failing doesn’t mean I’m useless, worthless.

We’re off to a great start to the school year already.

Don’t worry, I didn’t fail a test or anything. I just started school after all. You may be thinking how I failed on my first day back. It was a little bonus challenge. Nothing life changing, world ending.

I think if you know me well enough, you understand my definition of failure is different from everyone else’s.

I’m not sorry for holding myself to a higher standard. I have lofty goals because I know I can reach them. I intend to.

So enjoy following my journey as I fail and fail some more.

I’ll take this experience as an opportunity to learn. Besides humans are always learning. We should be anyway.

Sooner or later, I’ll have other failures on my mind. This one won’t be as important. When all is said and done, none of this will matter.

I’ve always taken failure hard. It’s probably a byproduct of how I’m wired, who I am.

I used to wonder whether it was worse to disappoint someone else or disappoint myself. I know the answer to that now.

I hate disappointing myself. Hate it more than a lot of things and people in this world.

I’ll take disappointing others over myself any day of the week. I can live with letting people down. My heart breaks when I let myself down.

Still, I rather fail and disappoint everyone in the entire universe than not try. I refuse to live with regrets. Wonder what if for the rest of my life.

I know trying and taking risks means opening myself up to failing. There will always be the possibility I fail in the worst way possible. But at least I tried, at least I know.

I may not be as fearless as I once was, but I’m not so afraid of failure that I won’t go after opportunities. Or make them myself for that matter.


Personal Reflection

Failure, Fear, And Feelings

This will come as a surprise to absolutely nobody, but I don't enjoy failing. And I hate feeling paralyzed by failure even more.

Unsurprisingly, I've failed in my life. Many times in fact. I've made mistakes and messed up. But I try not to let my past failures hold me back.

I don't want to stop taking risks because I feel scared of rejection.

That being said, I'm still afraid of things.

I can get over disappointing others, letting everyone else down. Yet I have a hard time moving past the idea of failing myself again and again.

My memory works great when remembering the bad. Not only do I remember my failures, I also have a knack for recalling my near failures.

What compounds the problem is my own perception of failure. My personal definition doesn't match up with any found in a dictionary. Some definition I have.

In the past, I used to tell my friends or classmates I failed a test. Most took that to mean I didn't ace it. I don't blame them.

For a while, I deemed any grade less than an A to be an F for failure.

When I think about my academic career thus far, I wonder how much of my success in school was because I felt so afraid of failing, I worked as hard as possible to ensure I wouldn't.

And although fear can be a great motivator, it can also be a dream killer.

The thought process for some may be if I'm going to fail anyway, why bother trying at all?

I hate that sort of mentality, but I also fall into this trap from time to time.

On certain days, I genuinely believe I'm not any good. (Writing the aforementioned sentence has made me emotional.)

I think I'm not enough. I'll never be smart enough or good enough or beautiful enough.

I have not been this emotional writing a blog post. Ever. Four years. One thousand plus posts. And I finally break down while writing one. About time, huh?

A part of me wishes I could rewind my life and go back to the days I felt fearless. A time when the idea of failure didn't cross my mind. A moment when it didn't matter to me what anyone else thought.

I'd also like to have my almost-started-crying-while-penning-a-blog-post card back. Oh well. I can live without it.

Personal Reflection

All About Failure

Failure is humbling. It’s hard.

Failure prepares you for success. But it doesn’t define you.

Failure won’t be in vain if you learn from it.

Failing is normal. Common even.

You might not see other people failing. That doesn’t mean they aren’t.

It’s tempting to blame someone or something but try not to. Blaming and pointing fingers doesn’t accomplish anything.

Embrace the fact you’ll continue to fail at different things for the rest of your life. 

Just remember it’s not the end of the world.

School · Writing

Exam Writing Advice I Should Follow

I’m curating my own advice in the form of a blog post with hopes that I will follow it.

If I fail, it’s not the end of this blog. Don’t worry. And you know this blog is my world.

Ready, set, go.

  • Listen to instructions. Read everything carefully. Follow them to a tee.
  • Be aware of the time you have and manage it accordingly. Don’t spend an entire hour working on one problem worth 2 points.
  • If the exam explicitly tells you how much each question is worth, use that knowledge to determine how much you need to write or how long you should spend on said question. (Bless the creator of the exam.)
  • Answer what is asked of you. No more, no less. You don’t have time for redundancy. Or inadequacy.
  • Check over your work. Careless mistakes happen. Careless mistakes can and should be caught.

I’ll need all the luck I can get.

It shouldn’t surprise you that instead of studying, I’m writing about exam writing.

Blogging · Writing

Blogging 101: Identify Your Audience

Publish a post you’d like your ideal audience member to read, and include a new-to-you element in it.

This will be fun. Ready, set, go.

Work hard now.

My mom believes that if you work hard now, you won’t have to work as hard later. With context she means I should study hard while I’m in school so my life will be slightly better when I’m older. “Life is hard. It’s harder if you’re stupid.” Not the best quote to insert here, but give me some credit for trying. I think the biggest piece of advice I can give aspiring writers is to work hard now. Don’t put off something you can do today, right this minute. Talent, skill, luck only gets you so far. The rest of the journey is up to you.

Fail. Fail. Fail. 

If you aren’t failing, you’re doing something wrong. One of my teachers compares writing to baseball. You will fail a lot. Baseball players don’t hit every ball they’re thrown. In fact, no hitter even succeeds fifty percent of the time. Failure means you’re doing well. You’re getting closer and closer each time you fail.

Forgive yourself.

You will make mistakes. So learn from them. Get better. Don’t be bitter. Haven’t learned how to forgive yourself? Make yourself. Force yourself. Do whatever it takes. You’ll be much happier once you master the art of forgiveness.

This post originally started out (in my mind) as advice I’d give to aspiring writers. Turns out, these are three pieces of advice I’d give myself. Make that four.

The new-to-me element is a picture with advice written in the caption. Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

Never stop reading.

Sometimes the person you’re actually writing to is you. Sometimes it’s your mom, your cousin, your friend, your teacher, your boss, etc. So write with your audience in mind. Just don’t forget to write for yourself too.


Why Am I Failing English Class?

First of all, I’m not failing English class. I don’t think I ever have. I do, however, know some people who have indeed failed, meaning they didn’t achieve at least a 50 percent as their final mark. How tragic.

So why did they fail? Or maybe why are they failing?

Never fear, I’m here. I’m going to answer that (even though I really should be completing my English homework).

  • You hate analyzing. And I mean you absolutely hate it. Take me, for instance. I don’t see the point in analyzing a piece of work. Why can’t I just analyze my own work? Hehe, just kidding.
  • You don’t ever receive constructive feedback from your peers. I only have two reasons for this. You’re an advanced writer (read: published) and your classmates are not. Or nobody wants to help you get better or see you improve out of pure spite and jealousy. From past experience, it’s usually the former. Sometimes the latter. Once in a blue moon, both simultaneously occur.
  • You get stuck in groups where you do all the work. You write it, you edit it, you present it. But then these group-mates get credit for your hard labor. Someone please just rip out my heart right now. Don’t worry about returning it either.

That’s all I have for today.

If you would love to see more reasons, I can make that happen. Blogging beats doing English homework any day.

Am I right or am I right?