Trying To Trust The Process

There are so many things I want to do before I die. And it’s hard to be patient. But I’m trying to trust the process.

I think I overthink. No, I know I do. I make everything more complicated than it needs to be, which is exhausting.

I’ll do better. I will do my best.

I can’t be anyone else. I can only be myself. Sometimes I feel like an imposter. Who am I to write, to create?

I tend to elevate others and downplay my own abilities. So in my mind, everyone is better than me. On bad days, I wonder why even try if I’ll never be good enough? Why bother in the first place?

Life is too short. I used to be afraid of dying. But right now, I’m scared I’m not living up to my full potential. I need to face my own fears. It’s fine to fail. To be ignored or rejected.

I wish I didn’t take things too personally. I should grow a thicker layer of skin.

I don’t have any major regrets though. I wouldn’t change my choices. Still, I’ll continue to grow. I want to focus on improving myself.

It’s not always how you start but how you finish, right?

Struggling To Write As Of Late

I’ve been struggling to write as of late. Technically, I’m still writing, but it’s been a grind.

I still love writing. Sometimes I have bad days or bad weeks though.

I’m not sure when I started writing every day. Safe to say, it’s been a long time. No, I don’t always write as much as I want to. But I never want an excuse to get in the way.

Being a writer really is like having homework every night for the rest of your life. I hope I’m still working away decades from now as an old grandma.

When I first decided to make writing a daily habit, I didn’t realize what I was signing up for. I’m only 20 years old. Assuming I live a long time, I have many days ahead of me. Which also means I’ll be writing a lot of words.

Growing up, I wrote without a care in the world. I didn’t think about anything else except putting pen to paper. I wasn’t writing to please other people. I was just having fun.

These days, I think I’ve been making the creative process a lot harder than it needs to be. I’m overthinking before I even make a mark on the page. That’s no way to write.

Here’s to letting go of all the doubts and fears. Just write. Don’t worry so much about the other stuff.

Tell The Story You’re Afraid To Tell

As a human being who is terrified of many things, I often use writing to deal with some of my fears. Obviously, that’s not the same as confronting them, but it’s a start.

That being said, I’ve been too scared to write about things I should. Or I’ll beat around the bush and skirt around the issue.

I don’t always write how I really feel.

So hopefully, I’ll listen to my own advice about telling the story I’m afraid to tell. I need to share it, if not with the world then at least with myself.

Perhaps I should do the same on this blog. There are many posts I haven’t written or published because of fear.

Then again, the posts I do manage to write turn out to be some of the best.

I can’t make any specific promises because I break everything, but I can make an effort to overcome my fear. Both on the page and in real life. I encourage all of you to do the same.

It won’t be easy. In fact, that’s hard work. But I like to believe the story you’re scared to death of sharing needs to be told.

I don’t want to live in fear, and I especially don’t want to write in fear.

To be honest, I’ve been holding back. I know I can do better. So what if I fail? So what if I make mistakes? I can learn. I will grow.

I censor, I filter. Sometimes I avoid writing what I think because I worry about what others will think.

But I don’t write for others. I write for myself. I have an audience of one. That girl is hard enough to please on a good day.

I don’t want to make my life even harder because I’m afraid to write. I won’t let fear get the best of me.

Common Fears Writers Face

The fear of no one reading your story. You spent 3,682 hours, 41 minutes, and 9 seconds on one story. But not a single soul will see it. At least your eyes will look upon a masterpiece.

The fear of no one liking your stories. Or worse, everyone hating it.

The fear of failure. Rejection after rejection after rejection.

The fear of success. Some people have a scary definition of what it means to be successful.

The fear of fear. Of course, it’s both a verb and a noun.

The fear of no fear. Imagine not being afraid of anything. Isn’t that terrifying?

The fear of letting others down. Sorry mom.

The fear of letting yourself down. You’re probably your biggest critic.

The fear of losing everything. Especially your dignity.

The fear of losing nothing. Because you don’t have anything to lose.

The fear of losing friends. Then again, you can’t lose what you don’t have in the first place.

The fear of making enemies. It’s like going through high school all over again.

The fear of wasting your time. It’s precious.

The fear of wasting your life. You only get one after all.

Always write out of love. Never write out of fear.

22 Things I’m Terrified Of

A list of things that scare me to some extent.

1. Driving. It still terrifies me.
2. Failure. I hate failing.
3. Rejection. Not as horrifying as it used to be.
4. Being late. I have nightmares about this.
5. Getting drunk. I like being sober and in control.
6. Living in a world without baseball. I wouldn’t want to live in such a world.
7. Noise. Loud noises to be exact.
8. Heat. I don’t want to burn myself.
9. War. Any kind of violence.
10. Blood. Other people’s specifically.
11. Band-aids. More unsettling than anything.
12. Germs. I’m a germaphobe.
13. Forgetting. Especially anything important.
14. Twisting my ankle while walking down the stairs. Happened one too many times.
15. Being out at night. I feel unsafe.
16. Darkness. I used to be afraid of the dark.
17. Dying before I realize my dreams. No need to elaborate there.
18. Dropping money. I’d prefer not to.
19. Losing IDs. What a hassle to replace them.
20. Drowning. Let’s hope I don’t die in a body of water.
21. Getting lost. I’m terrible with directions.
22. Car accidents. This might explain my first fear.

What are you terrified of?

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear is failure. And even though I know it’s highly unlikely I’ll fail a university course, I still feel so paranoid. There’s a possibility I will. That terrifies me.

I don’t want to fail. That being said, I’ve learned more from my failures than from my successes. I’m not sure when I started to be so afraid of failing. But nowadays I can’t stop thinking about it.

I try to reason. I try to be logical. I’m sure a part of me understands that any type of failure isn’t the end of the world. Most things are replaceable, repairable. Situations can be altered. Problems can be fixed. Mistakes can be rectified.

I fear failing. Or maybe I fear the fear of failing. Am I making sense?

I feel as though I’m not good enough. I feel bad at things I’m not bad at. I feel like a complete fraud.

Suffice to say I’ve been doubting my abilities and fearing the worst as of late.

I have nightmares about two things: being late and failing everything.

At times, I’m so afraid of the latter. It’s somewhat problematic.

I keep telling myself I’ll be okay, I’m fine. The world isn’t going to end.

Still, I can’t help but think I’m my own worst enemy. I’m not helping myself.

I like to believe I fear because I care. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t fear. And I’m fond of saying I’d rather care too much than too little. That means I’d rather fear than not? Fear everything than fear nothing? I don’t know. I don’t have an answer.

I’m trying to push through my fear and not let it become an excuse. I can act upon my fears. It’s about time I face mine. I can’t let my feelings about failure stop me from acting.

Maybe what I should fear instead is inaction. That’s scarier, isn’t it? Not doing anything at all.

Fears, Doubts, And Uncertainties

Because almost nothing in life is a guarantee, there will always be some degree of uncertainty to it.

I’m at a point in life where I have doubts. I don’t know as much as I’d like to. I have more questions than answers.

I feel somewhat scared when I think about the future, especially imagining worst-case scenarios. What if nothing works out?

As I get older, there are more things I’m expected to do that I’ve never done before. Obligations and responsibilities galore. Being an adult isn’t so glamorous.

First time for everything, right? Oftentimes the first anything isn’t easy. First job. First love. First house.

Taking things one day at a time helps. Otherwise, I’d get overwhelmed thinking about my life thirty years from now.

After all, we only ever have right now. This very moment. The present.

Even though I joke about being old, I’m only twenty. I haven’t been around that long. I still have so much to experience. If anything, I’m just getting started.

When I was younger, I felt more confident in myself. I believed in my abilities. But right now, I’m not so sure.

I feel like I’m standing on uneven ground.

To be frank, I’m not where I want to be. Far from it. Hopefully, I’ll get where I want to go sooner rather than later. When the time is right, I’ll get to my destination.

I don’t feel ready or prepared at all for anything. But that’s okay. I’ll learn as fast as I can. I can always get better.

I can’t redo some firsts. But I can use those experiences the second time around, the third, so on and so forth.

Who cares if I fail the first time? Who cares if I don’t do well right away?

So what if I lose instead of win? So what if I get rejected 99 times out of 100?

If everything came easy, what would be the point of doing anything at all?

Writing this has given me some much needed perspective. I hope it helps anyone out there who needed to hear these words.

No matter what happens, you’re going to be okay.

Failure, Fear, And Feelings

This will come as a surprise to absolutely nobody, but I don't enjoy failing. And I hate feeling paralyzed by failure even more.

Unsurprisingly, I've failed in my life. Many times in fact. I've made mistakes and messed up. But I try not to let my past failures hold me back.

I don't want to stop taking risks because I feel scared of rejection.

That being said, I'm still afraid of things.

I can get over disappointing others, letting everyone else down. Yet I have a hard time moving past the idea of failing myself again and again.

My memory works great when remembering the bad. Not only do I remember my failures, I also have a knack for recalling my near failures.

What compounds the problem is my own perception of failure. My personal definition doesn't match up with any found in a dictionary. Some definition I have.

In the past, I used to tell my friends or classmates I failed a test. Most took that to mean I didn't ace it. I don't blame them.

For a while, I deemed any grade less than an A to be an F for failure.

When I think about my academic career thus far, I wonder how much of my success in school was because I felt so afraid of failing, I worked as hard as possible to ensure I wouldn't.

And although fear can be a great motivator, it can also be a dream killer.

The thought process for some may be if I'm going to fail anyway, why bother trying at all?

I hate that sort of mentality, but I also fall into this trap from time to time.

On certain days, I genuinely believe I'm not any good. (Writing the aforementioned sentence has made me emotional.)

I think I'm not enough. I'll never be smart enough or good enough or beautiful enough.

I have not been this emotional writing a blog post. Ever. Four years. One thousand plus posts. And I finally break down while writing one. About time, huh?

A part of me wishes I could rewind my life and go back to the days I felt fearless. A time when the idea of failure didn't cross my mind. A moment when it didn't matter to me what anyone else thought.

I'd also like to have my almost-started-crying-while-penning-a-blog-post card back. Oh well. I can live without it.