Writing

When You’re Feeling Anxious About The Future

When you’re feeling anxious about the future, remember to breathe. Focus on your breathing.

You can’t control everything. Change what you can. Don’t worry about the rest.

Double check. Triple check. Don’t let anything slip through the cracks. Make sure you’re on the right track.

Failure is inevitable. You will fail. You’ll lose. The key is to hold your head high.

Take rejection like a professional. You’re one step closer to success.

Try to live in the present. It’s so much easier said than done. But you only have today. You don’t know what tomorrow may bring, much less next year.

Appreciate your own accomplishments. You’re here because you’ve succeeded in the past. There’s no reason why you can’t succeed again.

Let go. Leave the baggage behind. Your past doesn’t dictate your future unless you let it. Likewise, your current circumstances don’t dictate what’s to come. Things change. People do too.

Believe in your dreams over your nightmares. One day, you will get where you want to go. But you have to take the steps to get there. Take life one day at a time, one deadline at a time.

You can’t do it all. You don’t have to. Everyone has 24 hours.

You’re stronger than you feel. You’re smarter than you think. In fact, you’re better than you know.

You can give something your all or you can get nothing instead.

Do what you want. Do what you need. Do makes you happy.

It’s OK to forget. Sometimes you have to forgive others. Other times, you have to forgive yourself.

Take care of your body now, so you’ll be healthy later. It’s easier to stay in shape than it is to get back into shape. Self-care extends beyond exercising.

If you’re struggling, ask for help. You’re not alone. You will never be.

When you’re anxious about the future, imagine a better world. Get excited about new possibilities. You don’t need to have all the answers, just a desire to ask questions.

Personal Reflection

Feeling Behind In Blogging

I’m behind on a lot of things, especially with this blog. I blame school. OK, fine postseason baseball too.

I’m not sure I’ll ever catch up. That’s okay. There will always be more work to do and not enough hours in the day.

I try to write and blog every day. I don’t have a problem doing so. But because I handwrite, I have to transcribe what I’ve written onto WordPress at some point.

I’ve been struggling to keep to say the least. I have poems and stories I wrote in 2016 still not typed up. And blog posts dating back to last month.

Luckily over the summer, I kept up with blogging quite well.

Then school started.

By the time a post is ready for publication, it’s dated. Not even relevant sometimes.

As university gets busier, I fall more behind. I can only dream of catching up.

Since I’m someone who likes being on top of things and feeling like I have my life together, this situation doesn’t bode well with my psyche.

Even if I had an entire month where I didn’t have anything else to do, I’m not sure I’d be able to type up all my written poems, posts.

Aside from falling behind, I’m also a bit overwhelmed. Books and baseball don’t mix. Who would have thought?

Word by word. Day by day. I write those lines in my journal as a reminder to myself. I can’t get to the end without first beginning and focusing on what’s next. Tomorrow happens tomorrow after all.

I don’t have to write or blog, much less do so every day. But I want to. And so I do my best to make it happen.

If I was just a student I’d have a lot more time. I will never be one thing and one thing only. I’m a writer, a blogger, a reader. I’m a daughter. I’m a sister. I’m a friend. I’m all these things and so much more.

Finding that balance is perhaps the toughest, trickiest part.

I only have so many hours in the day and so much energy to expend on any given project.

As much as I want to do almost everything, I can’t. But I’d much rather do a few things well than do a lot of stuff badly.

 

Blogging

I’m Feeling Uninspired

Lately, I’ve been feeling uninspired. I’m telling myself it’s just a phase. That I’m in a slump. But a part of me wonders if there’s more going on then just a weird funk.

I guess when you’ve been blogging for four years and trying to post every day, the novelty of it sort of wears off.

I don’t think I’ve seriously considered quitting at any point, even on bad days. I want this blog to work out more than most things. Maybe more than everything. But that doesn’t make things simpler or easier.

I’m also stubborn. Perhaps even a stubborn fool at times. I don’t want to take days off because I’m tired. Because I don’t feel like blogging.

Great, the electricity just went out, so I’m using the flashlight on my phone. This is not nearly as romantic as writing by candlelight.

I lost my train of thought. Where was I?

Some days I think more than others. Way to go, Herminia. Stating the obvious seems to be my strength and/or weakness. Depends how you look at it.

I have no clue what direction this blog will take or where I’ll end up, but I believe in myself. I like to think I believe in this blog. And I very much believe in all of you.

Perhaps there will come a day where I decide I need a break. Maybe. Maybe not. Time will tell.

It’s so hard for someone like me to accept that I don’t have all the answers.

I’m also still relying on the flashlight on my phone to see what I’m writing, and I miss real lighting more than I’ve ever missed anything.

I guess I’m coming to terms with the fact that things are always in flux. Everything is constantly changing. I am too.

It took a while for these words to be written. I hope it didn’t take too long for you to read them all.

Regardless, I’m still a writer at heart. The struggle, the time, the effort. It’s all worth it. Every sweet and bitter second.

Personal Reflection

Feeling Like A Failure

The title says it all, doesn’t it?

I feel like a failure. And I’m doing my best to look on the bright side. I won’t get into all the details. I don’t want to bore you. I failed. I believe I shouldn’t have. But I did.

Knowing me that fire in my belly is burning even brighter now. I’m going to use this failure as a motivator to do better.

I think it’s easy to say I’m dumb or stupid. Right now those aren’t the words I want, much less need to hear. I’m not dumb or stupid. Failing doesn’t mean I’m useless, worthless.

We’re off to a great start to the school year already.

Don’t worry, I didn’t fail a test or anything. I just started school after all. You may be thinking how I failed on my first day back. It was a little bonus challenge. Nothing life changing, world ending.

I think if you know me well enough, you understand my definition of failure is different from everyone else’s.

I’m not sorry for holding myself to a higher standard. I have lofty goals because I know I can reach them. I intend to.

So enjoy following my journey as I fail and fail some more.

I’ll take this experience as an opportunity to learn. Besides humans are always learning. We should be anyway.

Sooner or later, I’ll have other failures on my mind. This one won’t be as important. When all is said and done, none of this will matter.

I’ve always taken failure hard. It’s probably a byproduct of how I’m wired, who I am.

I used to wonder whether it was worse to disappoint someone else or disappoint myself. I know the answer to that now.

I hate disappointing myself. Hate it more than a lot of things and people in this world.

I’ll take disappointing others over myself any day of the week. I can live with letting people down. My heart breaks when I let myself down.

Still, I rather fail and disappoint everyone in the entire universe than not try. I refuse to live with regrets. Wonder what if for the rest of my life.

I know trying and taking risks means opening myself up to failing. There will always be the possibility I fail in the worst way possible. But at least I tried, at least I know.

I may not be as fearless as I once was, but I’m not so afraid of failure that I won’t go after opportunities. Or make them myself for that matter.

 

Personal Reflection

Failure, Fear, And Feelings

This will come as a surprise to absolutely nobody, but I don't enjoy failing. And I hate feeling paralyzed by failure even more.

Unsurprisingly, I've failed in my life. Many times in fact. I've made mistakes and messed up. But I try not to let my past failures hold me back.

I don't want to stop taking risks because I feel scared of rejection.

That being said, I'm still afraid of things.

I can get over disappointing others, letting everyone else down. Yet I have a hard time moving past the idea of failing myself again and again.

My memory works great when remembering the bad. Not only do I remember my failures, I also have a knack for recalling my near failures.

What compounds the problem is my own perception of failure. My personal definition doesn't match up with any found in a dictionary. Some definition I have.

In the past, I used to tell my friends or classmates I failed a test. Most took that to mean I didn't ace it. I don't blame them.

For a while, I deemed any grade less than an A to be an F for failure.

When I think about my academic career thus far, I wonder how much of my success in school was because I felt so afraid of failing, I worked as hard as possible to ensure I wouldn't.

And although fear can be a great motivator, it can also be a dream killer.

The thought process for some may be if I'm going to fail anyway, why bother trying at all?

I hate that sort of mentality, but I also fall into this trap from time to time.

On certain days, I genuinely believe I'm not any good. (Writing the aforementioned sentence has made me emotional.)

I think I'm not enough. I'll never be smart enough or good enough or beautiful enough.

I have not been this emotional writing a blog post. Ever. Four years. One thousand plus posts. And I finally break down while writing one. About time, huh?

A part of me wishes I could rewind my life and go back to the days I felt fearless. A time when the idea of failure didn't cross my mind. A moment when it didn't matter to me what anyone else thought.

I'd also like to have my almost-started-crying-while-penning-a-blog-post card back. Oh well. I can live without it.

Writing

Writing About Feeling Overwhelmed

I felt very overwhelmed earlier today. Tonight, to be more technical.

There’s so much I want to do, so much I strive to do every day. But sometimes life decides to throw curveballs at you from left field and right and down the middle. So it gets to be a little too much at times. Thinking about all you have to do and how little time you have to do it all is not a pleasant experience.

You know what helped me get through the night? Writing. I started this blog post and then I went and wrote in a notebook. I wrote poetry. I just wrote and wrote and wrote.

I will never stop putting words down on the page. I cannot not write. 

I don’t know what I’d do without writing, without words.

I’m not as overwhelmed now.

Writing

Feeling Like A Fake Writer

There’s no such thing as a “fake writer”. You’re a writer or you aren’t.

Stop feeling like you’re a fraud. 

Don’t let yourself believe you aren’t a “real writer”.

It doesn’t matter how many years you’ve been writing or how much you write every day.

It doesn’t matter if you have one book published, ten, or none at all.

It doesn’t matter that you don’t write the same way as someone else or that someone else doesn’t write the same way you do.

You’re a writer if you write.

School

Feeling Scared

I go back to school this Monday.

I’m scared. Of what? Of everything and everyone. Of failing. Of being wrong. Of feeling awkward or uncomfortable.

But I know I will fail and be wrong and feel awkward and get uncomfortable. That’s life. That’s also part of growing as a person.

I’m not mentally or emotionally ready. I just spent the last four months at home, hundreds of miles away from campus. And away from as many people as possible.

But a part of me is still excited. I’m excited to learn. I’m excited to see what this school year has in store for me. I’m excited to establish a routine and follow a schedule. 

I’m terrified though.