Personal Reflection

On Gaining And Losing Trust

I have trust issues.

If a person can’t keep their word, I find it hard to put my faith in them. So it’s hard for people to gain my trust but easy to lose it.

I get it. People make mistakes. We’re human after all. But I’m awful at forgiving others. For my own sake, I should.

I hate when people lie to my face or make a promise and break it. Then again, I’m a hypocrite. I wouldn’t want anyone to betray or backstab me, especially someone I trust.

As I get older, the circle of individuals I trust gets smaller and smaller. Which is fine with me honestly. It saves a lot of time.

I’m not an easy person to impress. I can’t even impress myself. It’s a blessing and a curse, let me tell you. I also get disappointed easily because I hold high expectations. Some days, I hold myself to a standard that drives me insane.

We can’t pick family, but at least we can pick friends.

I love fictional characters because they’ll never not be there for you. Maybe one day I’ll find a real human being I trust completely.

In short, I trust like two people.

Personal Reflection

20 Things I Learned In 20 Years

I’ve learned a lot of lessons in twenty years.

  1.   People suck.
  2.   Forgiving is hard.
  3.   Give before you get.
  4.   I’m not alone.
  5.   Comparing is unfair.
  6.   Wounds heal.
  7.   Timing counts.
  8.   Regret nothing.
  9.   Life goes on.
  10.   Do not envy.
  11.   Things happen for a reason.
  12.   People come and go.
  13.   Friends are important.
  14.   Mental health matters.
  15.   Appreciate art.
  16.   Be kind to strangers.
  17.   Do what makes me happy.
  18.   How to say no.
  19.   Stay true to who I am.
  20.   Love myself.
Personal Reflection

Making Mistakes And Moving On

To err is human, to forgive divine.

We all make mistakes. I made one that sticks out like a sore thumb. Fitting because my thumb made the error.

I’m trying to make peace with it and move on. Because life’s too short to get hung up over insignificant mistakes that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

I’m not perfect. I’ll never claim to be. But I do my best.

When I make a mistake, even if I’m only the one aware of it, I’m more motivated to work harder in order to compensate for my error.

I’m so hard on myself. I beat my mind up for messing up.

But I realize in a few months or days, a lot of mistakes won’t matter to me anymore. I’ll make many more in the days to follow. I’ll have other concerns and worries.

I’m old, so old. 20 years to be exact. I am still learning to move on.

Humans make mistakes. We tend to have good intentions, but the result isn’t always what we intended. That’s okay. Live and learn, right?

I will go to my grave believing everything in life happens for a reason. If it was meant to be, it will be. If it wasn’t meant to happen, it won’t.

Things work out. Sometimes even better than we could’ve expected.

For many reasons, I try to publish a blog post every day, which obviously increases my odds of making more mistakes. But I know if I don’t challenge myself, I won’t change. And I’m all for challenges. Even though changes aren’t always easy, I rather change for the better than never change at all.

Thank you to everyone who forgave me for my mistakes. Now to forgive myself.

Forgiving thy self. What do I know about that? I’m more forgiving of others for small human errors. But I can’t help but hold myself to near impossible standards.

I wonder how often people even notice my mistakes. Maybe I shouldn’t worry as much.

Mess up but learn and move on.

Writing

Forgive Yourself For Forgetting

Forgive. Yourself. Right. Now.

It’s okay.

You’re forgiven. I forgive you.

We give ourselves so much crap for all the things we never did because we forgot.

You forgot to read? You forgot to write? You forgot to blog?

Forgive yourself for forgetting. For everything.

Please. 

I think I’m incapable of cutting myself any slack, even though I have no problem doing so when it comes to everyone else. In that regard I’m nicer to other people than I am to myself.

I will continue to lament that I forget stuff because I’m old. And getting older with each passing day, with each blog post published.

I’m a human being. I forget. I mess up. Five year old Herminia probably made fewer messes than nineteen going on twenty year old me. 

Yes, I refer to my past self in the third person. No, I won’t stop referring to my past self in the third person.

That girl had a memory like no other. She could remember everything. She had nothing to forget.

Which is why I never learned to forgive.

Clearly, I also have no concerns about broadcasting my age to anyone who will listen. Or in this case read.

I shouldn’t beat myself up when I’m down. But I do.

I don’t forgive when I forget.

I forget but then I remember that I forgot. And I don’t forgive myself for forgetting.

By the way, I felt inspired to talk about forgiving yourself when you forget because I nearly forgot to write a blog post, and this is what I ended up writing about. 

Life, huh?

Personal Reflection

Forgiving And Forgetting

I don’t know why I find forgiving so hard. But I do.

And even though I can forgive, I know I won’t forget anytime soon.

I forgot how tough it is to hold a grudge. To be mad. To feel angry. 

It’s even tougher to not forgive or forget.

But maybe I can forgive because I care. About myself. About the other person. About our relationship. And maybe one day I’ll be able to forget because I’ve stopped caring. About what happened. About one mistake. About people’s opinions.

Personal Reflection

Remain Angry Forever or Try Forgiving Someone?

Is it harder to hold a grudge or to forgive someone who has hurt you?

I find it impossible to answer this question. Some days, I’ll gladly hold a grudge against someone for days on end without ever talking to them or giving them the time of day. Other times I feel like my life would be simpler if I just forgave everyone who hurt me by letting them back into my life.

But when someone breaks you down, undermines your abilities, and attacks you personally can you ever forgive them for what they’ve done? Can you sit there and take it? Will you ignore their comments? Words only hurt you because you let people hurt you. Isn’t that right? So why do we choose to let people tell us who we should be, how we should act, what we should wear, what we can say, what we are allowed to do or what we cannot do?

I don’t know why I take every comment, every little word uttered to my face personally. Today being no exception.

I find that forgiving someone doesn’t come easily however, we are taught at a young age to forgive our friends, our enemies, and plain strangers because it is the right thing to do. I know remaining bitter and miserable doesn’t do me any good but just because I forgive someone does not, in any way, mean I can ever truly forget what that person has done.

I am human. I feel. I have emotions. Yes, I cry. Yes, I get angry. But letting such feelings weigh down on me is unfair. I cannot be who I want to be if I am constantly upset, irritated,  and livid.

I cannot count how many times in the past I’ve held a grudge against someone because I’ve done it too many times. Just this once I would like to throw my past away. I want to start over. I want to start on a fresh page where I can rewrite my story once again. A story where I learn to forgive because I genuinely have, not because I am forced to. I hope that by forgiving I am not doing it for someone else this time but rather for myself. I want to be brave, be strong, but most importantly be happy.

Time to heal, get well, and move on.