My Least Favourite Thing About University

University is great until I remember that grades are a thing.

Then again, either I did well and life goes on or I didn’t do well and life goes on.

Part of the reason why I want to graduate and get a job is because I don’t want to be graded anymore. I know grades are just grades. They don’t dictate my future. They aren’t a measure of my self-worth. But my ego has a mind of its own.

For my own sanity, I don’t obsessively check my grades. In first year, I focussed on doing work and the results worked themselves out.

I’ve done well before. There’s no reason why I can’t do well now.

To be completely honest, my GPA has dropped every year. It’s okay though. I’ve made peace with that.

In the past, I would check many of my grades all at once. That way, I wouldn’t get too hung up over one bad mark.

As long as I pass every class, I can graduate on time. That’s the main goal.

I keep getting emails about updated grades on my final essays and exams. A part of me wants to look at my grades but another part doesn’t. I haven’t worked up the courage to check any of them yet.

How I Feel About Blogging Less

After a busy November where I didn’t post on this blog much, I’m trying to publish more in December.

I haven’t been writing a blog post every day however. I miss it, but taking a break has made me excited to create again.

When I write blog posts, I don’t ever aim for long, perfect first drafts. It’s enough to get some thoughts in my head on the page.

I also try to publish often, but I’m not aiming for mind-blowing, earth-shattering content. That’s never been my goal.

I know I’m behind with everything, but I still feel fine. And that’s all that matters to me.

I don’t enjoy falling behind because catching up is such a challenge. But I’ll manage somehow. I can’t do everything, but I can do enough to succeed. I hope.

Life happens.

When it comes to my habits, I’m not as stubborn as I used to be. Besides, the world won’t end if I miss a day or three of blogging. I can always get back into the grind at a later time.

This year, I’ve had a lot of high highs and low lows this year. Even so, I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone else’s. Check back with me once I write my exams and get my grades though.

As I get older, I feel busier. Then again, I think I’d rather be busy than bored. That way, I don’t have an existential crisis every other moment.

When You Feel Like You Aren’t Smart Enough

Every so often, I feel like I’m not smart enough. Imposter syndrome hits me so hard.

In my first year at university, I expected to be average. I anticipated feeling stupid because I thought everyone would be smarter.

Now in fourth year, I can’t help but think everything will be over my head, beyond my capabilities. I tend to underestimate myself. That’s just who I am.

Even though I worry, I try to channel my anxieties into productivity. Easier said than done, I know.

I don’t know what this semester or the next one will bring, but present me wants future me to remember that I’m smarter than I think.

Don’t worry about what other people are doing or what they aren’t doing.

I have good ideas. Stop shooting all of them down.

As of now, I’m happy with my courses. I’m excited to finish strong.

I’m not a fraud or an imposter. I’m just a student doing my best. I want to improve. I need to learn and grow.

I’ll try to take risks and not regret anything, rather than playing it safe only to wonder what if.

I’ve done well in years past, so there’s no reason why I can’t succeed again.

On Self-Esteem And Confidence

Some days, I feel I’m not good enough. I don’t give myself enough credit.

But I know what I’m good at, and I know what I’m not good at. That being said, I don’t know much. All I know is I want to write, need to.

I want to get better, do better. It’s tough though. I feel like no matter how hard I work, I’ll never be good. I’ll never do enough.

Being a writer is the best thing that ever happened to me. But some days it’s the hardest thing in the world.

I can’t not write. I can’t bear untold stories inside me. I don’t even care if they don’t see the light of day. It doesn’t matter whether people read my words or not. What matters is I write them, one by one.

I try to refrain from tearing myself down when I write. So writing helps boost my self-esteem. The school system doesn’t do wonders for anyone’s confidence.

I hate that I let grades affect me so much. One good grade doesn’t make me focus less on all the bad ones.

I’m also way too hard on myself. It’s not even because I’m a perfectionist. I just expect perfection in my results. Which is problematic. But that’s who I am.

An Honest Account Of My University Experience

In September 2015, I embarked on my university journey.

In high school, people told me my grades would drop. And naïve Herminia believed them. So I prepared myself to not do nearly as well. Somehow I did.

During first year, I didn’t think too much about my GPA. I thought about doing the work and being early to everything.

Come the fall of 2016, I learned that I won two academic scholarships.

Instead of thinking I was stupid, I felt somewhat smart.

In second year, I spent less time studying and more time living. My grades were a little all over the place as a result. I remember countless conversations with my best friend about how terrible I was doing. I joked about dropping out.

So I vowed to do better in third year. My fall semester went smoothly. I had great classes, good professors. I liked my grades. I lived a lot. If I could relive those four months again, I would.

2018 arrived. Second semester in the winter started off just fine. No problem. Smooth sailing. Until February when I got hit by a car while walking home from school.

It took more than a month to recover physically. I’m not sure I’ll ever recover mentally. I’m doing well these days.

I never wanted to make excuses. I didn’t ask for an extension on any assignments.

My grades dropped. But I took care of myself. Being forced to listen to my body made me a better human being.

Regardless of my GPA when all is said and done, I’m proud. I learned to listen to that tiny voice in my head, to the body I used to neglect. That matters more than any number on a piece of paper.

Let’s Talk About The Imposter Syndrome

The imposter syndrome is the bane of my existence.

Some days, that voice in my head tells me I’m not good enough. It says I’m an imposter. As if, at any point, someone will rip off the mask I’m wearing and see right through me.

I feel as though some people already see through my act. And they’re too kind to say anything about it.

I’ve been writing for a long time, and I’ve written a lot of words in my life. I strive to write every day and I do.

I’m still afraid. I’m so scared. I don’t want to wonder whether or not I’m wasting my time.

Through hard work, I can improve and get better. Talent will only get you so far, after all.

One reason why the imposter syndrome has hit me especially hard as of late is my grades. My GPA.

I don’t obsess over school as much as I used to. Thankfully. My sanity is grateful. But I care a lot about doing well.

Growing up, academia was the one thing I excelled at. As a kid, I was anything but athletically gifted or artistic. But I loved reading. I learned to write well.

I’m still doing just fine in university. My standards are set way too high for my own good sometimes.

It should be enough that I’m doing my best, but imposter syndrome is rearing its ugly head again.

What I Do When I Feel Overwhelmed

What do I do when I feel overwhelmed? I write about feeling overwhelmed in hopes I’ll feel better afterwards. But sometimes it makes me more stressed or anxious.

Some days, I’m not sure how I manage to balance my passions with my obligations. Even though I can’t optimize everything all the time, that doesn’t stop me from trying.

One time, I was telling my friend I didn’t know if I’d be able to get everything done. Bless her for saying I always do.

I have a lot of work and too little time. My confidence is a bit shaky right now. I blame my mastery over procrastination.

If only I had more time. But I don’t have 25 hours in a day, I can’t write my essays next year. So I just have to make the most of it.

Because I’m a stubborn human being, there are things I refuse to give up even with deadlines looming.

I like to think I can write relatively well. That said, I doubt I’ll ever let myself forget how hard writing is.

Working with words takes time, regardless of skill and talent.

It’s been a while since I’ve had this much school related stuff to handle. I’m kind of freaking out.

But that small voice in my head tells me I’ll get everything done to a decent extent. I’ve accepted the fact I can’t make everything perfect. So I’m covering my bases as much as possible.

In a perfect world, I’d ace everything. But my real world won’t end if I don’t. My ego might suffer, but it deserves a reality check once in a while.

Somehow I’ll survive. I need to make good decisions in the following weeks. I should be fine. If I make terrible choices, that’s on me. I can’t blame anybody. Besides, I reap what I sow. I also don’t reap what I don’t sow.

Am I Happy With My University Grades?

I’m not sure what overcame me a while ago, but I decided to check all of my grades at once. I needed to rip off the band-aid. It wasn’t satisfying.

They aren’t bad. They aren’t amazing.

I feel like I have room for improvement though, and I intend to improve. Easier said than done however.

To be quite honest, I’m happy. I maintained good habits. I looked after my physical, mental, and emotional health. I also lived my life, did the things I loved.

I’d even go so far as to say all things considered, this past semester is my favourite one thus far.

I worked hard and smart.

Even though my grades aren’t as good as they have been in the past, it’s not the end of the world. There are more important things to me than my GPA.

I’m a month into 2018, and a part of me already misses last year.

I still can’t believe it’s over. I had a fun ride. I’ve learned a lot.

I’m glad I can look back on 2017 with a smile on my face. There’s a ton to be grateful for.

Now that I’ve had some time to digest my grades, I realize I’m fine with them. Obviously, I wish they were higher, but I can live with my GPA. At least, I can’t complain.

I’m ready to see how the rest of 2018 pans out.

May this year bring joy and cheer. May you learn and laugh, live and love. May you be happy and healthy.