I should stop checking my grades. I did this for a couple of months last year because I hated how I felt after I checked. It usually led to disappointment or frustration. To be honest, a combination of both sounds about right.
I feel like I can never be satisfied with my grades. No matter how “good” they are.
Admittedly they aren’t great this year. This semester especially. But even when I do well by someone else’s standards, I don’t feel satisfied. Because I’m meeting (or not meeting) other people’s expectations rather than my own. I’m writing for someone else who isn’t myself. And I’ve found having to do the very thing you love most for a grade is messed up in a way.
Let me be the first to tell you I often get too caught up with the creative process and the words themselves that I neglect everything else. The assignment instructions. My argument and evidence. I could go on.
Also, I hate the idea of someone five years older than me deciding my entire grade. Something there doesn’t sit well with me. Actually many things. It’s not my main problem with grades though.
It’s feeling like a number or percentage defines me. As if one grade defines my value or worth. Since when did I care for numbers? I’m a writer after all.
The thing is I’ve forgotten how good it felt to write. I mean to really write. To write for yourself and no one else. To write and enjoy it. Not to impress. Not to please. Not to be someone others want you to be.
Forget the labels. Forget the stereotypes. Forget the preconceived notions. For just a second. Forget what you are supposed to be and be you. Only you.
As they say, leave your problems at the door. Leave your baggage behind you right this moment. Leave the past where it belongs.
Stay in the present moment. Focus on the here and now.
You probably hear this one a lot too; dance like no one is watching. Well, apply that to writing. Write like nobody is judging you. Write even if it means you break every rule in the book. Write because you cannot imagine yourself doing anything else.
Who cares what others think or say? I know this rant is not going anywhere. Rather it’s like a derailed train travelling without a specific destination in mind. As for the title of this post (Friday Night Ranting), it isn’t descriptive, intriguing, attention-grabbing. But that makes no difference to me.
Writing much like living should be enjoyable. Some days you have to write and you have to live without limitations, without following rules, without being perfect.
Oh yeah, happy Friday. If you have read up until this point, meaning you wasted a few valuable minutes reading this semi-rant, I shall thank you.
Semi-rant isn’t a word; I invented it right now. Hey, a girl’s got to live a little. Isn’t that right?