Personal Reflection

Walking, Thinking, Writing

I’ve been doing a lot of walking, thinking, and writing lately.

To be honest, I’m someone who doesn’t know what I think until I write. Writing helps me work out my thoughts. But thinking by itself is always welcome as well.

I do a lot of thinking whilst walking. Come to think of it, whilst is a great word that I don’t use often enough.

Whenever I feel stuck, I like walking around my house. I enjoy being alone with my thoughts.

Sometimes I write after a walk. I often have an easier writing session. Easy in the sense that the words come to me.

I always try to put what’s on my mind onto the page.

Life makes me feel pulled and pushed in every direction. So I appreciate being able to step back, being able to think.

Besides, we don’t have to be doing something every second of every day.

I’m all for action, acting. But I’m also a thinker as well. Having time to think just doesn’t happen unless we set aside time for it.

Don’t get me started on overthinking. But I encourage you to ponder or wonder.

If you could do one thing and only one thing right now, what would it be?

School

Thoughts I Have About The First Day Of School

I’m writing this before I go back to school, but by the time I edit and publish it, I’ll probably have survived my first day. Or not. I don’t know. Even though I want to predict the future sometimes, I can’t. Ever.

(I survived.)

While the first class is an easy one in some ways, I’ve never felt great in the days leading up to it. Nervousness and excitement don’t mix well for me. I’m just a ball of stress in the mornings.

Fortunately, university hasn’t been as horrible as high school.

I think I’ve experienced enough first days to know I’ll get through another one without the world crashing down on me.

I’m going into my third year of university. Been there, done that. Twice. So I’m not as nervous or terrified. I think I’m more excited than scared at this point. I just want to make this year the best one yet. At least better than last because second year is not one I want to relive. Thankfully, I don’t have to.

(Now I only have one more first day to go. That’s insane. I can’t wrap my head around it.)

I’m wondering if I was more worried about my first day of work. Technically, first days. I think not. There’s something scarier about school, I guess.

To all the students who have gone back, I hope you had a great one. To all those yet to go back, I wish you the very best. If you already graduated, congrats on making it through.

I don’t really know what else to say, except that I’m looking forward to seeing what this year has in store. I have no idea what to expect, so I’m not expecting much.

I know it won’t be easy. But challenge makes life interesting.

I’ll write about my trials and tribulations, so you can laugh at me as I wallow in my misery.

I like to think whatever happens, happens for a reason. I can’t control everything, but I can control myself.

Over the course of this semester, I will do my best to look after my health (physical and mental). That’s important to me. And my happiness too, of course.

Here’s to an amazing year. May you achieve all your goals, academic or otherwise. I hope 2017-2018 is everything you hoped for and more.

Personal Reflection

Fears, Thoughts, And Worries

I’m afraid of very few things. Being late is one of them. But more seriously I’m scared of failing.

It’s not the act of failing that terrifies me the most. It’s disappointing my biggest critic, my worst enemy. Myself.

I can live with letting others down. I’d take letting everyone else in this world down over letting myself down any day of the week.

I know I will never live up to someone else’s standards of success or beauty. That’s fine. But feeling like I’m not living up to my own standards…hurts. A lot.

I think I’m an ambitious person by nature. I want to accomplish so much in a short period of time. But I also don’t know if I’m occasionally spreading myself too thin. There are days I think I’m not doing a good job of anything.

I feel like I’ve gotten better at not comparing myself to others. But I still compare now and then. Which is so unfair. Especially to myself.

I’m comparing myself to other people. People who are older. People on a different journey than I am. People I shouldn’t be comparing myself to in the first place.

I want to look at someone’s work and be inspired. Not bitter that I can’t do what another individual did. Not frustrated that I’m not half the artist he is. Not upset that I can’t have her life.

Worse, as a writer, I’ve compared my incomplete drafts to finished masterpieces.

But the thing is I don’t see other writers’ first drafts. I don’t see the rough work of all these authors. I’m not aware of the number of hours they worked. Or how many days they put in. So, to me, it might seem as if everything comes easy and quickly to everyone else in this world.

I guess all these things make me worry. For the future. For what’s to come. For my own sake and sanity.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough. But then I think I shouldn’t feel the need to please anyone. To be good enough for someone else. I should focus on pleasing myself. Being good enough for me. And only me.

Blogging

Blogging Thoughts And Feelings

Sometimes I have an idea but feel like I can’t do justice to it. So I’ll come up with something in my head, yet that thing never translates onto the page the way I initially envisioned it.

When it comes to creativity and originality, I realize I don’t say things that haven’t been said or thought of before.

Also, no matter how long I work on a project, I can’t shake the feeling that it can be better. Worse, I can’t help but occasionally wish my blog post were perfect. At least I’m beginning to see nothing I write will ever be the most creative, the most original, etc.

That won’t stop me for putting out less than perfect posts. In other words, you’re going to have to accept my awesomeness.

Writing

Thoughts I Have While Writing

  • Writing is hard.
  • I’m tired.
  • This is bad.
  • That sounded terrible.
  • What time is it?
  • I can fix this.
  • What’s that word again?
  • I have a lot of editing to do.
  • I’m sore.
  • I don’t like this sentence. 
  • I hate that paragraph.
  • What am I doing?
  • I’m hungry.
  • Maybe I should stop now.
  • I’m cold.
  • This wasn’t supposed to happen.
  • Why are you doing that?
  • I’m done.
Blogging

Pre-Blogging Thoughts 

  • I can blog after.
  • I can blog later.
  • I should blog soon. 
  • I should blog right now.
  • I need to blog today. 
  • I need to blog tomorrow. 
School

Feeling Scared

I go back to school this Monday.

I’m scared. Of what? Of everything and everyone. Of failing. Of being wrong. Of feeling awkward or uncomfortable.

But I know I will fail and be wrong and feel awkward and get uncomfortable. That’s life. That’s also part of growing as a person.

I’m not mentally or emotionally ready. I just spent the last four months at home, hundreds of miles away from campus. And away from as many people as possible.

But a part of me is still excited. I’m excited to learn. I’m excited to see what this school year has in store for me. I’m excited to establish a routine and follow a schedule. 

I’m terrified though.

Writing

Thoughts Running Through A Writer’s Mind 

If only I wrote as much as I thought. Then I’d have no problem meeting word counts. 

These are a few thoughts I have, some more often than others. 

I should get out more.

I should be home writing.

This isn’t so bad.

This is really bad.

My desk is never this clean. I’ll clean it anyway.

My desk is never this dirty. I’ll clean it before I start working. 

Now I shall solicit your thoughts.