Writing

Struggling To Write As Of Late

I’ve been struggling to write as of late. Technically, I’m still writing, but it’s been a grind.

I still love writing. Sometimes I have bad days or bad weeks though.

I’m not sure when I started writing every day. Safe to say, it’s been a long time. No, I don’t always write as much as I want to. But I never want an excuse to get in the way.

Being a writer really is like having homework every night for the rest of your life. I hope I’m still working away decades from now as an old grandma.

When I first decided to make writing a daily habit, I didn’t realize what I was signing up for. I’m only 20 years old. Assuming I live a long time, I have many days ahead of me. Which also means I’ll be writing a lot of words.

Growing up, I wrote without a care in the world. I didn’t think about anything else except putting pen to paper. I wasn’t writing to please other people. I was just having fun.

These days, I think I’ve been making the creative process a lot harder than it needs to be. I’m overthinking before I even make a mark on the page. That’s no way to write.

Here’s to letting go of all the doubts and fears. Just write. Don’t worry so much about the other stuff.

Personal Reflection

What Do You Want Out Of Life?

I want to be happy. I hope I’m able to do what I want to do.

My health is important to me. But sometimes I do things at the expense of my well-being.

Even though I worry so much about so many things, writing helps. When there’s nothing to stress over, my mind makes something up. At least getting my thoughts and feelings on the page takes some of the weight off my shoulders.

This year has been tough for reasons out of my control. So I’ve tried hard to focus on what I can control.

Word by word, day by day is my motto. I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself. Sometimes though I can’t stop thinking about the far future.

I like to believe everything will work out somehow. The pieces will fall into place eventually.

For now, I want to concentrate on the present moment. I need to enjoy each day.

I love what I do because I love the act of doing them. It’s the process, the journey that matters. Not the numbers, not the results.

While I don’t know everything, I know I want to learn. Even if it terrifies me. I want to learn more. I want to better myself as a human being.

I’m always learning. I love teaching myself. Going at my own pace, putting in a little bit of work every day.

Personal Reflection

Summer, School, Stress

It’s that time of the year where I’m starting to feel stressed and concerned, anxious and nervous.

School starts soon. Soon as in my first day is tomorrow. And with it, my sanity disappears.

There’s a lot of grey area in my life. Unknowns. Not just with school but other things as well.

But I don’t want to worry. I’ve spent twenty years of my life worrying. That’s a hyperbolic statement obviously. I’m sure I didn’t care as much as a kid. I want to go back to being eight years old where my biggest concern was what I wanted to watch on TV after school.

I hope to turn my nervousness into excitement.

I’m trying to tell myself that everything will be fine because ultimately, life works out. Not always the way I intended or expected, but things have a funny way of turning out all right.

I think my problem is a tendency to second guess myself and my abilities. I underestimate what I’m able to do, what I’m capable of.

I’m an ambitious person by nature, which leads to more stress in my day to day life.

I’m writing right now because I’m too stressed to do anything else. And working with words usually helps me relax.

At first, it might seem counter-intuitive to write about your problems because you think about them more. But for me working through things lends me perspective. Often times I realize what I worry about will never come to pass because the odds of it happening are highly unlikely.

This post is all over the place. I know. It’s a reflection of my life right now.

I consider myself a clean, neat person who likes to be organized. I want to be on top of things. I want to be in charge, not let things take charge of me.

I’ll feel better once school starts, and I have a better feel for this semester. Besides, I’ve survived summer to school transitions in the past. I’ll survive this one.

I hope you’ll bear with me as I do my best to keep up with everything.

As much as I’d love to publish a post every day, I might miss a few every now and then. Don’t worry I’m human. I need days off just like everyone else too.

Personal Reflection

20 Goals As A 20 Year Old

I’ve come up with 20 goals for my 20 year old self.

  1. Worry less.
  2. Have fun.
  3. Put my happiness first.
  4. Ask for help.
  5. Think for myself.
  6. Say yes when I should.
  7. Say no when I shouldn’t.
  8. Move on.
  9. Write more.
  10. Be a better blogger.
  11. Learn from mistakes.
  12. Celebrate the small victories.
  13. Dance like someone is watching.
  14. Look after my health.
  15. Smile at strangers.
  16. Love a lot.
  17. Laugh out loud.
  18. Be mindful.
  19. Enjoy the present.
  20. Live life.

I know a lot of these are commonly used phrases, but I’m a walking cliché.

Personal Reflection

Fears, Thoughts, And Worries

I’m afraid of very few things. Being late is one of them. But more seriously I’m scared of failing.

It’s not the act of failing that terrifies me the most. It’s disappointing my biggest critic, my worst enemy. Myself.

I can live with letting others down. I’d take letting everyone else in this world down over letting myself down any day of the week.

I know I will never live up to someone else’s standards of success or beauty. That’s fine. But feeling like I’m not living up to my own standards…hurts. A lot.

I think I’m an ambitious person by nature. I want to accomplish so much in a short period of time. But I also don’t know if I’m occasionally spreading myself too thin. There are days I think I’m not doing a good job of anything.

I feel like I’ve gotten better at not comparing myself to others. But I still compare now and then. Which is so unfair. Especially to myself.

I’m comparing myself to other people. People who are older. People on a different journey than I am. People I shouldn’t be comparing myself to in the first place.

I want to look at someone’s work and be inspired. Not bitter that I can’t do what another individual did. Not frustrated that I’m not half the artist he is. Not upset that I can’t have her life.

Worse, as a writer, I’ve compared my incomplete drafts to finished masterpieces.

But the thing is I don’t see other writers’ first drafts. I don’t see the rough work of all these authors. I’m not aware of the number of hours they worked. Or how many days they put in. So, to me, it might seem as if everything comes easy and quickly to everyone else in this world.

I guess all these things make me worry. For the future. For what’s to come. For my own sake and sanity.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough. But then I think I shouldn’t feel the need to please anyone. To be good enough for someone else. I should focus on pleasing myself. Being good enough for me. And only me.

Personal Reflection

A Bit Of Perspective 

Will it matter in 5 days, 5 months, 5 years?

If it doesn’t, then there’s no reason to worry about it for more than 5 seconds.

Can you tell I needed to write this for myself?

University does that to you.

If you’re curious, I was worrying about a quiz before, during, and after. Because worry is all I know how to do. 

If only I wrote as much as I worried…

School

Worrying And Writing

Three days in and I already feel like I need a break from school.

The first week is the hardest in some aspects and the easiest in others. At least if you ask me. Regardless I hope it gets better. A lot better. For you and me. For my sanity.

Also, thanks for putting up with my school posts because that’s all I worry about these days. For obvious reasons, the things I worry about are the things I tend to write about. They kind of go hand in hand.

I worry and I write. That’s what I do all day and night.

OK, I’ll stop now.

Personal Reflection · Reading

Still In Denial

I’m still in denial about being an adult and having more responsibilities. Then again, I quite enjoy the freedom.

If someone has a time machine, let me use it. I’ll reimburse you marvelously…once I pay off my student debt.

I miss those days where I could read for hours on end without a worry in the world.

Technically I am reading all the time now. Just not as leisurely as I’d like.

It’s a shame. Quality of reading should have more importance than quantity.