When Writing Hurts More Than It Helps

Writing is hard. On one hand, it helps. On the other, writing hurts. It’s therapeutic at times. But some days when I pick up a pen, I return to a difficult past.

On bad writing days, I wonder why I’m wasting my time. On better ones, I tell myself there is nothing else I’d rather be doing.

Over the summer, I actually took a break from creative writing. I thought it was much needed.

I fell in love with writing because it allowed me to reclaim my happiness. Then again, writing can be painful too.

I recall the past when I write, only to realize it’s gone. I don’t have yesterday anymore. I only have today.

For better or worse, I will write. I’m never going to let anyone stop me.

Writing gives me the chance to start again. I have to make a conscious effort to start anew. Easier said than done but it must be done. Even if I spend the rest of my life trying, at least I can die knowing that I tried. I made an effort. I didn’t quit, give up. I won’t take the easy way out. That’s not fair to myself. Easy isn’t always better.

Looking At The Year Ahead

Today, I wrote my last exam for the fall semester. I can’t believe I only have one more semester of university left.

Classes start up again in January, and even though I’m excited, I feel nervous.

Exams finish in April. my graduation ceremony is in June.

After I graduate, I want to work and write.

I’m looking forward to what’s next. I feel like I’m already embarking on a new chapter in my life.

I don’t want to jump too far ahead because anything can happen between now and next year. But that doesn’t stop me from worrying about post-grad.

As much as I love blogging, I might publish less in the future. I’ve been trying to post every day in December, but I’m not sure what 2019 will bring. It’s going to be a year full of change.

I don’t see myself going back to university, at least not anytime soon. So I will try to pursue my dreams and see where life takes me.

I have every intention to keep learning and improving even after I finish school and start work. My goal is to become a better human being with each passing day.

How Writers Deal With Haters

• Put them in a story and kill their character.
• Subtweet him or her.
• Publish a viral blog post.
• Reaffirm how right you are as well as how wrong they are in your mind.
• Roll your eyes like a YA character.
• Walk away and write a bestseller instead.
• Fall so in love with fictional characters you forget about your real life haters.
• Silently correct their speech or grammar errors.
• Build a fort using books to keep people out.
• Realize having haters means you’re doing something right.

I’ve Always Seen Myself As A Writer

Growing up, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write. I loved creative writing. I still do.

Over the years, I’ve seen my work change before my eyes. I’ve come so far. Of course, there’s so much further for me to go.

No matter what I do or don’t do in the years to come, I’ll still make writing a priority. I have no reason to rush the creative process. I can stop and smell the roses. I should enjoy this seemingly endless rollercoaster ride. I have to appreciate the highs as well as the lows.

I don’t know much. I do know that when I don’t write, I don’t feel right.

I wonder what kind of writing I’ll pursue further. Creative or professional? Something in between? Something else entirely? We’ll see.

I don’t want to regret not taking a risk, so I have to try at the very least. I don’t want to ask what if for the rest of my life.

I wish I could do everything, but I can’t. I just try to prioritize writing when possible. I don’t mind sacrificing other things. I’m even fine studying less if that means writing more. I suppose I’ve always seen myself as a writer.

Why I Am Terrified To Drive

I remember falling to the ground. Crying. Screaming. Hurting. I’ve never been in this much pain before.

I remember he’s not that much older than me. I’m sitting and he’s standing.

I remember the colour of the car. It’s blue. Light blue to be exact.

I remember now in that moment, I didn’t want anyone near me. But people started to approach.

I’m so terrified that one day the roles will be reversed. That the tables will turn.

I could never put someone else through that. A car versus a human. It hurts like hell. Recovery is hard.

I can’t stop thinking how a complete stranger completely changed the course of my life.

The front of the car hit my right leg. I fell on my left elbow. I had to have x-rays done. Fortunately, I didn’t break any bones. But in the days to come, I couldn’t even use my arm to adjust the glasses on my face, much less turn a steering wheel. So I stopped driving. And for a while, I was scared to drive again.

Even before everything happened, I felt anxious about driving. The accident made me more anxious.

I needed to write this post not for anyone else but for myself. Writing has always been my way of coping.

I know I have my demons. But I also know I can defeat them.

Nearly 11 months later, I finally took my road test and passed.

I can’t believe I went from so low to so high in the span of one year. From getting hit by a car to getting my G2 license.

Blogging Without Knowing What I Want To Blog About

Here’s a little bit about my blogging process.

Most of the time, I’ll write a first draft by hand. Then I transcribe them. I make graphics afterwards. Later I will edit the post. And last but not least I hit publish.

But this time around I wrote a draft, transcribed it, made a graphic, and then deleted the whole post. To be more specific, I created this graphic when I was trying to write a blog post but didn’t know what I wanted to say.

So now I’m writing an entire post on my phone from complete scratch. I almost never do that.

All that to say, don’t mind the not so relevant graphic or this more personal than usual post.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this off my chest.

I’ve been very anxious lately, especially over these past few days.

I feel a lot of emotions. I realize I don’t know everything. I don’t have answers to many things. Which is part of life. But it’s been hard to write or blog because I’m not even sure who I am.

I hate feeling like I’m not good enough. But right now I feel like I’m not enough, like I’ll never be good enough.

I don’t take failure well at all. I wish I did. But my fragile ego hates failing.

I think I feel like I fail because I’m not always on the same track at the same time as everybody else.

It took me a long time to learn that I don’t have to rush life. I can take my time. I am where I need to be. I’ll get where I want to go eventually.

I don’t have to get published by a certain age. I don’t have to get a boyfriend, get married, etc., by a certain time.

I wish I could say everything that’s in my brain more eloquently.

I’m allowed to go at my own pace. I’m also allowed to fail and mess up and make my mistakes. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’m not good enough.

Trying To Live A Little More

I haven’t always been easy on myself.

Right now more than anything, I want to live more, live better. I don’t want to be too hard on myself like I have been in the past. It’s not helpful.

I’m an all or nothing type of person though. Because of my goals, I have to make sacrifices. I don’t mind giving certain things up, but I can’t do everything. That doesn’t stop me from trying though.

Hopefully, as I grow older, I get better at not expecting too much of myself every single day. I’m all for pushing my limits, but at some point, I just can’t push any further.

This year, during my recovery, I really had to listen to my body. To be honest, I think I’ve strayed away from that. So going forward, I will strive to be nicer to myself.

Somehow, I’ve has the discipline to keep up with many of my daily habits. Still, it’s not the end of the world if I miss a day.

I’ve been so hard on myself. I feel like a failure if I don’t read, write, blog, etc. I should probably refrain from that way of thinking. Instead of telling myself I have to do X, Y, Z every day for the rest of my life, I should tell myself to do the best I can.

I don’t enjoy spreading myself too thin. I’d rather do a few things well instead of doing a lot of stuff poorly.

At the end of the day, I need to give myself more credit. I’m doing just fine.

What Are You Going To Do After Graduation?

I don’t know what I’m doing post-grad. It makes me anxious just thinking about it. But everyone and their dogs love to ask, “what are you going to do after graduation?”

I keep changing my mind. I can’t decide. Still, I’ll try to summarize my goals for 2019 in a nutshell.

My last semester starts in January and ends in April. That’s crazy. I’m so close to being done.

The graduation ceremony is in June. I wouldn’t miss that for the world.

Afterwards, I’ll probably work. I have no idea what or where. Regardless of my day job, I still plan to blog and write as much as possible next year.

I’ve never spent entire days or an extended period of time working on my own creative projects. Perhaps one day, I can get to a point where that’s possible.

On my hand, I feel like I need to work all the time. On the other, I also need to live my life. I’ll figure things out.

If I want to go back to school, I will. If not, I can find a job. I’d love to travel too, see more of the world.

Whatever I end up doing, I will do my best. And whatever I end up not doing is probably for the better.