My Biggest Fear In Life

My biggest fear in life isn’t failure. It’s not trying.

I somehow convince myself that I’m not good enough. As a result, I don’t try sometimes.

It’s 2019, and I’m still just as hard on myself, if not even harder.

I have to try. I have to try my best.

I know I don’t handle failure well though. I’m working on it. I wish I could easily embrace mistakes.

I’m aware that by not trying, in a way I avoid failing. Still, I fail in a different way. I fail if I don’t try.

This year, I want to take risks I haven’t before. If I don’t try, I’ll never know. If I don’t ask, the answer will always be no.

When I was younger, I was more fearless, less afraid. Back then, I felt like I had less to lose. But I don’t have much to lose now either.

Ideally, I’d publish a book before I have kids. Now that I’ve put my intention out into the world, I hope to follow through. The first step is trying to tell the best story I can. I’ve given myself a somewhat flexible due date. Without a timeline of some kind, I could spend my whole life writing novels but never publishing them. At this point, I just need to start somewhere. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, starting is the hardest part.

Blogging Without Knowing What I Want To Blog About

Here’s a little bit about my blogging process.

Most of the time, I’ll write a first draft by hand. Then I transcribe them. I make graphics afterwards. Later I will edit the post. And last but not least I hit publish.

But this time around I wrote a draft, transcribed it, made a graphic, and then deleted the whole post. To be more specific, I created this graphic when I was trying to write a blog post but didn’t know what I wanted to say.

So now I’m writing an entire post on my phone from complete scratch. I almost never do that.

All that to say, don’t mind the not so relevant graphic or this more personal than usual post.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this off my chest.

I’ve been very anxious lately, especially over these past few days.

I feel a lot of emotions. I realize I don’t know everything. I don’t have answers to many things. Which is part of life. But it’s been hard to write or blog because I’m not even sure who I am.

I hate feeling like I’m not good enough. But right now I feel like I’m not enough, like I’ll never be good enough.

I don’t take failure well at all. I wish I did. But my fragile ego hates failing.

I think I feel like I fail because I’m not always on the same track at the same time as everybody else.

It took me a long time to learn that I don’t have to rush life. I can take my time. I am where I need to be. I’ll get where I want to go eventually.

I don’t have to get published by a certain age. I don’t have to get a boyfriend, get married, etc., by a certain time.

I wish I could say everything that’s in my brain more eloquently.

I’m allowed to go at my own pace. I’m also allowed to fail and mess up and make my mistakes. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’m not good enough.

Trying To Live A Little More

I haven’t always been easy on myself.

Right now more than anything, I want to live more, live better. I don’t want to be too hard on myself like I have been in the past. It’s not helpful.

I’m an all or nothing type of person though. Because of my goals, I have to make sacrifices. I don’t mind giving certain things up, but I can’t do everything. That doesn’t stop me from trying though.

Hopefully, as I grow older, I get better at not expecting too much of myself every single day. I’m all for pushing my limits, but at some point, I just can’t push any further.

This year, during my recovery, I really had to listen to my body. To be honest, I think I’ve strayed away from that. So going forward, I will strive to be nicer to myself.

Somehow, I’ve has the discipline to keep up with many of my daily habits. Still, it’s not the end of the world if I miss a day.

I’ve been so hard on myself. I feel like a failure if I don’t read, write, blog, etc. I should probably refrain from that way of thinking. Instead of telling myself I have to do X, Y, Z every day for the rest of my life, I should tell myself to do the best I can.

I don’t enjoy spreading myself too thin. I’d rather do a few things well instead of doing a lot of stuff poorly.

At the end of the day, I need to give myself more credit. I’m doing just fine.

Before You Learn To Fly, You Must Learn To Fall

Life is too short to hold back, yet I do. As much as I tell myself I don’t care what people think, my actions or lack thereof speak for themselves. I care. Sometimes I care way too much.

Life also hit me hard this year, literally and figuratively. At least, it isn’t about how hard I get hit, but rather how hard I hit back.

I love this blog with my whole heart, but sometimes that makes it harder to post. Every now and then, I think I can’t share something because it doesn’t relate to writing or reading. Still, I want to live my life and create content I love. So I’m trying to let go of the boundaries I set for myself.

I wish I could write whatever I want and share my work with the world. No doubts. No talking myself out of it.

On certain days, I feel bolder than others. Of course, there are times where I play things safe.

I often think about the consequences of putting myself out there. Then again, I have to.

The unknown terrifies every cell in my body. I’m such a planner. I want every little detail to be planned out ahead of time. But I can’t control everything or command everyone.

It’s okay to enjoy the moment. I’m learning to let go of the past. After all, the present is all I have. And I know better than most that life is so short. It can be cut short at any moment.

Fear of failure is the worst. I wish I could be afraid of heights or spiders instead.

I don’t want to hold myself back forever. I guess I haven’t felt ready to spread my wings. But before you learn to fly, you must learn to fall. You must first learn to fail.

Why I Try To Blog Every Day

When I first started blogging, I had the goal of publishing a post a day. Now that I’m older and busier, I wonder why I set future me up for failure.

On a serious note, I don’t have to publish something every day. But nowadays, it feels wrong not posting.

I think 15-year-old me was wise in some ways. Trust me when I say she was not wise in many ways.

Still, she knew practicing every day does a lot more good than practicing once a month. But she also knew that without a goal, Herminia will do nothing. She’d sit on her hands. She would wait for opportunities to fall from the sky into her lap. She’s also lazy. She comes up with excuses.

I’m also realizing now that if I let myself try to write the perfect novel, I would. But you can’t make anything perfect. You have to write a lot of bad before you write anything good.

I’m not aiming for perfection every time I hit publish. I’m aiming for progress. I want to learn and grow. I can’t do that if I spend my whole life trying to plan the most perfect post or the best novel.

There’s still so much I don’t know. But I do know I enjoy the challenge of creating content. I like having a place where I can be less academic, formal, professional, etc.

I’m allowed to do whatever I want, however I want. So maybe just maybe I can go back to being that naïve girl who fell in love with blogging and never looked back. She made her own rules, found success on her own terms.

Feeling Scared To Try New Things

The older I get, the more scared I am to try new things. I feel like I need to stay in my own lane. But I know I won’t grow if I don’t step outside my comfort zone.

I don’t always know what I want to do. I have to try new things before I can decide if it’s right for me.

I’m the type of person who has no problem seeking out new opportunities like applying for a job, internship, etc. But I don’t always follow through. Sometimes I have a valid reason. But other times I back down out of fear. Fear of failure. That I won’t be good enough.

I want to be more willing to try new things. I don’t want to let fear stop me from following through on opportunities that could change my life forever.

I should stop making assumptions or jumping to conclusions. After all, I won’t know whether I like something until I try it.

Oftentimes when I have to make a decision, I weigh the pros and cons. Unfortunately, it’s easier for me to think of disadvantages than advantages. Then again, there are positives I might not consider until I pursue something further.

It’s easy to play things safe. I might as well take a risk while I’m young though. I have very little to lose. If I find something isn’t right for me, that’s OK. If I fall in love with it, great. But I will never know unless I give myself a chance.

What Should I Do With This Blog?

It’s that time of the year again where I feel a little lost with my blog. I don’t know what I want to do going forward.

Even though I ultimately write for myself, I still want to create content others enjoy reading.

I think I’m stuck in a rut, creating the same kind of content day in and day out.

I want to challenge myself, but I don’t know exactly how. I want to do better.

Sometimes I feel like I’m taking two steps backwards for every one step forward.

I’ve been thinking about trying other platforms, trying different projects. Problem is I’m stubborn, so I want to stick to what I’ve been doing.

On bad days, I think I’ll never measure up, never be good enough no matter what I do.

I know I’m not the best blogger. I’ll never be perfect. But I am good enough.

I won’t make excuses. I want to work harder and smarter. I’ll push myself, even and especially when no one else will.

The journey ahead won’t be easy. No one said it will be. Still, I’ll try to enjoy myself.

Besides, I don’t have to know exactly where I’m going all the time. When I’m lost, I’ll find my way.

I believe in creating my own chances. So I will.

I might stumble and fall, but I can get back up and try again.

Failing is a learning opportunity. It’s a time for growth. Most importantly, it’s one step closer to success.

What I’d Tell My 20 Year Old Self

Be kind to everyone.

You don’t know what others are going through. They might be having a bad day.

You’re stronger than you think.

Give yourself more credit than you do.

Listen to the voice in your head.

Don’t confuse it for the voices of society.

Take care of your body.

You only have one.

The world isn’t fair.

Sometimes you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s life.

Love without shame.

Fall in love with people and things.

Learn to forgive.

You may never forget, but you can forgive. Do it for your own sake and sanity.

Confront your demons.

You have to face your fears. You can’t live the rest of your life scared to death.

Embrace failure and rejection.

You will learn more from screwing up than from success.

You aren’t always right.

It’s OK to be wrong.

You are not defined by your past.

Likewise, your past doesn’t dictate your future. Your present doesn’t either.

You will get better.

Your situation will improve. Nothing lasts forever. You may not feel fine right now, but one day you will.