Feeling Like A Failure

The title says it all, doesn’t it?

I feel like a failure. And I’m doing my best to look on the bright side. I won’t get into all the details. I don’t want to bore you. I failed. I believe I shouldn’t have. But I did.

Knowing me that fire in my belly is burning even brighter now. I’m going to use this failure as a motivator to do better.

I think it’s easy to say I’m dumb or stupid. Right now those aren’t the words I want, much less need to hear. I’m not dumb or stupid. Failing doesn’t mean I’m useless, worthless.

We’re off to a great start to the school year already.

Don’t worry, I didn’t fail a test or anything. I just started school after all. You may be thinking how I failed on my first day back. It was a little bonus challenge. Nothing life changing, world ending.

I think if you know me well enough, you understand my definition of failure is different from everyone else’s.

I’m not sorry for holding myself to a higher standard. I have lofty goals because I know I can reach them. I intend to.

So enjoy following my journey as I fail and fail some more.

I’ll take this experience as an opportunity to learn. Besides humans are always learning. We should be anyway.

Sooner or later, I’ll have other failures on my mind. This one won’t be as important. When all is said and done, none of this will matter.

I’ve always taken failure hard. It’s probably a byproduct of how I’m wired, who I am.

I used to wonder whether it was worse to disappoint someone else or disappoint myself. I know the answer to that now.

I hate disappointing myself. Hate it more than a lot of things and people in this world.

I’ll take disappointing others over myself any day of the week. I can live with letting people down. My heart breaks when I let myself down.

Still, I rather fail and disappoint everyone in the entire universe than not try. I refuse to live with regrets. Wonder what if for the rest of my life.

I know trying and taking risks means opening myself up to failing. There will always be the possibility I fail in the worst way possible. But at least I tried, at least I know.

I may not be as fearless as I once was, but I’m not so afraid of failure that I won’t go after opportunities. Or make them myself for that matter.

 

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Staying True To Yourself

I used to be someone I wasn’t. I wasn’t myself because I tried to be what people wanted or expected of me.

I’m not perfect by any stretch. I still struggle to stay true to what I stand for. But it’s easy to give in.

At times, I feel very much like I’m a doormat. Because I let people step on me figuratively. I don’t put my foot down.

I can be firm, say no. I tend to know what I want to do, what I don’t want to do. But I’ve never been the best at vocalizing my desires or opinions, especially if they’re unpopular, which they often are.

When I first sat down to write this post, I figured I’d write about my journey as a blogger. How at one point in time I was not blogging for myself. And because of that, I didn’t feel happy. Or content with my creations.

But recently I realized I’m not always myself around people in general. Maybe that means I need new company. Or maybe I have to rethink who I am as well as who I want to be.

For better or worse, people change. Differently. Some people change faster while others take a bit longer.

Now more than ever before I’ve come to accept and embrace my flaws, quirks, etc. But I can love myself yet still want to improve, get better. That’s life for you.

Humans are not easily content. At least, I’m not. If I was completely happy, I wouldn’t have to do anything ever again. I wouldn’t learn every day. Or read, write, blog.

As I grow older, I hope to mature and become the person I aspire to be. Not always easy, but I’m doing my best. That’s all I ask of myself.

Stay true to yourself. Don’t live your life for someone else.

Writing As A Way Of Appreciating

Writer’s block. I believe in being blocked, but I don’t believe in using it as an excuse. Do better. Be better.

When baseball hitters go through slumps, they hit their way out of slumps. I think the same goes for writing. You don’t break out of a writing slump if you don’t write. You have to write your way out. Write a hundred terrible words. Write a thousand. Write until you’re not blocked.

Life isn’t perfect. Never will be. At any given time, the conditions are less than ideal. You need to do things before you’re ready to every now and then. That’s part of living and learning.

Obviously, some days are better than others. Be proud you’ve written even if you don’t love what you wrote. You can always make your first drafts better. You can’t improve non-existent stories however.

I’m trying not to take life too seriously. Besides, I got into writing because it was fun and enjoyable. I’m not letting anyone or anything steal my joy away.

Finding that balance between work and play is a challenge. But it’s doable. And even though I’m going to be busier, I have no plans to stop doing what I want: writing, reading, blogging.

A part of me misses the routine I established over the summer, although school hasn’t been too bad. I’m excited for what’s to come. I love learning. Always have, always will.

When I think about my schooling so far, I realize I never had many problems academically. I went to class, I did the homework. But everything else associated about school was tougher. The social aspect especially.

Mentally, I’m doing better than I have in a long time. It’s not such a terrible time to be in university for me.

Despite the one plus hour commute being a pain, it also provides some much needed time away. I don’t have any data. I can only access wifi at certain stops along the way. Which means I spend my commutes reading, writing, blogging. I get to disconnect temporarily.

This year I have a goal for myself to enjoy the little things in life. I think I take a lot for granted every day. So I hope to appreciate what I have through writing.

Staying Positive And Looking At The Bright Side

Life isn’t perfect. And sometimes things don’t work out perfectly.

But I’m going to be positive. I want to look at the bright side instead of focusing on all the things that went wrong today.

The world isn’t ideal. And sometimes we experience moments that aren’t the way we envisioned. But it’s okay. We find a way. Human beings do their best.

When I feel rushed, I make myself slow down. I try to take in life as much as I can. Stop and smell the roses so to speak. I like roses. Red is a pretty colour.

Besides, better late than never. But never late is better. Still, sometimes people need time to get where they need to go. And as long as we eventually get there, how long we take is less significant.

I know I’ll continue to make mistakes left, right, and center. Here’s hoping I learn from them and not repeat the same mistake again.

I’ve been reminding myself that life works out. Someday. Somehow. Someway. It does. Eventually.

Even though events don’t always pan out the way we intended, at least we tried. We did our best.

We’re humans. So we are going to be humans.

The Life Of A Writer


The writing life is a unique one to say the least.

Being a writer teaches you how to be patient. Especially when all your characters take one look at your outline, laugh, and do the exact opposite. I don’t outline for this reason. I’ve been burned many times.

Eventually, you lower your expectations until you no longer have any. Can’t be disappointed if you don’t set yourself up to be, am I right? Besides, the best moments are the ones you never see coming.

What do you mean you’re publishing my story? That’s impossible! You must be mistaken.

You learn to reject rejection.

You rejected me? No way! That’s your loss, not mine.

This post is already trending in the direction of a certain bad writer being in full denial.

Over time, you hone your stalking, er, observing skills. Stalking isn’t ok. But observing people is a fine skill to have in your arsenal. It’s better than watching paint dry.

Obviously, you constantly deal with things not going your way because life never goes the way you expect it to. What’s more, other human beings do a great job messing up your well-laid plans. Yes, fictional characters are people too.

There’s a beauty in being a teacher and student at the same time. After all, you become an expert at whatever you’re writing about. Hello, Google.

Sooner rather than later, you’ll get ink stains on everything. I literally mean everything. Your fingers and hands. Your legs and toes. Your wallet and bag. Your desk and bed. But you embrace them because what kind of writer doesn’t have ink on some body part at any given time?

This universe bestows upon many greats the secrets to handling hand cramps. In fact, you might even strengthen your hands so much you never feel pain ever again. When’s the last time you had a hand cramp? Surely cramps are a sign of someone who doesn’t write often.

Can you tell I was in some kind of mood while penning this post? I’m half joking. Please don’t flay me alive.

Burning And Building Bridges In Life

For once, I’m not going to write about writing or blog about blogging. Instead I want to talk about building and burning bridges.

My strength lies in burning bridges. I’ve done it often. I’ve done it well. For one reason or another, I walked away from a lot of relationships.

I like to think burning some bridges was for the better. I’m happy where I am right now. But sometimes I think about all the people I’ve cut and just how different my life would be if I didn’t.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not an angel or a saint. I’ve messed up, made messes I’ve never cleaned up.

When I was younger, I burnt bridges faster than the average person can blink. I walked away. Often I never looked back.

I’m realizing now I didn’t always give people the benefit of the doubt. I rarely cut others any slack. But I expected people to do so for me. Herminia is a hypocrite.

I believe everything in life happens for a reason. That some individuals come into your life for a normal season or maybe a baseball one (about six months). Other people teach you a lesson about life or love. Maybe even both.

Moving forward, I hope I don’t burn too many bridges over my ego, which is too fragile to take a joke. If you’re wondering, yes, I burned a perfectly great bridge over bad jokes.

I know what it’s like to cross bridges again after burning and rebuilding them.  But unfortunately, it’s not the same. It’s never the same.

Perhaps you don’t have to light a match or the whole box to watch a bridge burn. Maybe you’re better off walking away and building a different one so you can cross it instead.

At least when one bridge burns, another gets built. Right?

Anyway, I hope something I’ve said makes sense. Feel free to disagree with me. I’m not even sure how I feel about bridges right now. Can you blame me? I’m in this awkward transitional phase in my life where I don’t know anything, and I’m just pretending. I am a fake, a fraud.

Now you know.

Please don’t burn our bridge.

Summer, School, Stress

It’s that time of the year where I’m starting to feel stressed and concerned, anxious and nervous.

School starts soon. Soon as in my first day is tomorrow. And with it, my sanity disappears.

There’s a lot of grey area in my life. Unknowns. Not just with school but other things as well.

But I don’t want to worry. I’ve spent twenty years of my life worrying. That’s a hyperbolic statement obviously. I’m sure I didn’t care as much as a kid. I want to go back to being eight years old where my biggest concern was what I wanted to watch on TV after school.

I hope to turn my nervousness into excitement.

I’m trying to tell myself that everything will be fine because ultimately, life works out. Not always the way I intended or expected, but things have a funny way of turning out all right.

I think my problem is a tendency to second guess myself and my abilities. I underestimate what I’m able to do, what I’m capable of.

I’m an ambitious person by nature, which leads to more stress in my day to day life.

I’m writing right now because I’m too stressed to do anything else. And working with words usually helps me relax.

At first, it might seem counter-intuitive to write about your problems because you think about them more. But for me working through things lends me perspective. Often times I realize what I worry about will never come to pass because the odds of it happening are highly unlikely.

This post is all over the place. I know. It’s a reflection of my life right now.

I consider myself a clean, neat person who likes to be organized. I want to be on top of things. I want to be in charge, not let things take charge of me.

I’ll feel better once school starts, and I have a better feel for this semester. Besides, I’ve survived summer to school transitions in the past. I’ll survive this one.

I hope you’ll bear with me as I do my best to keep up with everything.

As much as I’d love to publish a post every day, I might miss a few every now and then. Don’t worry I’m human. I need days off just like everyone else too.

On Turning 20 Years Old

On August 22, 2017, I turned 20 years old.

I didn’t feel any different at the time. But I’ve changed so much since then.

I have come a long way. I’d even go so far as to say the person I was yesterday is not who I am today.

20 years might not seem like much for some people. But for me, it’s my whole life. Now with two decades of living under my belt, I can confidently say that as I’ve grown older, I have also gotten better.

In recent months, I gained much needed perspective. I realized there’s a lot more to life than being popular or cool, getting straight A’s, etc.

I used to worry myself crazy over things that never came to pass.

I obsessed over a past I couldn’t change and worried about a future I had no control over.

I would overthink. Overanalyze people and situations. Read too much into body language or certain words, phrases, so on.

As of late, I’ve tried to focus more on the present. Cliché, huh?

Nowadays, I’m doing my best to live in the moment and enjoy myself.

After all, we only ever have today. We don’t have tomorrow. But we have right now.

The older I get, the more accepting I am of certain facts in life. One being humans are constantly changing. Hence why I’m making peace with the consequences, positive or negative, of those changes.

I did plenty of self-reflection this past summer. I had time to think, so I thought. A lot.

As I’m writing this, I want nothing more than to be happy and healthy.

I personally define happiness as being able to do what I love and actually doing it. If all else fails, I will still continue to pursue the things that bring me the most joy in life.

This blog is a little over four years old. But I feel like turning twenty means a new beginning for my blogging, my writing, my everything.

Cheers to all of you who stuck by a teen writer for however long you did.

I’m an adult now, which means I no longer have an excuse to create crappy content. I joke.

Thank you for making the past four and final years of my teens the best I could’ve ever asked for.

Here’s to many more.

Making Mistakes And Moving On

To err is human, to forgive divine.

We all make mistakes. I made one that sticks out like a sore thumb. Fitting because my thumb made the error.

I’m trying to make peace with it and move on. Because life’s too short to get hung up over insignificant mistakes that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

I’m not perfect. I’ll never claim to be. But I do my best.

When I make a mistake, even if I’m only the one aware of it, I’m more motivated to work harder in order to compensate for my error.

I’m so hard on myself. I beat my mind up for messing up.

But I realize in a few months or days, a lot of mistakes won’t matter to me anymore. I’ll make many more in the days to follow. I’ll have other concerns and worries.

I’m old, so old. 20 years to be exact. I am still learning to move on.

Humans make mistakes. We tend to have good intentions, but the result isn’t always what we intended. That’s okay. Live and learn, right?

I will go to my grave believing everything in life happens for a reason. If it was meant to be, it will be. If it wasn’t meant to happen, it won’t.

Things work out. Sometimes even better than we could’ve expected.

For many reasons, I try to publish a blog post every day, which obviously increases my odds of making more mistakes. But I know if I don’t challenge myself, I won’t change. And I’m all for challenges. Even though changes aren’t always easy, I rather change for the better than never change at all.

Thank you to everyone who forgave me for my mistakes. Now to forgive myself.

Forgiving thy self. What do I know about that? I’m more forgiving of others for small human errors. But I can’t help but hold myself to near impossible standards.

I wonder how often people even notice my mistakes. Maybe I shouldn’t worry as much.

Mess up but learn and move on.

A Rant In Regards To Reading

This post may or may not be a rant depending on your definition, but it will be about reading.

I think it’s important to read what you want and to enjoy your reading experience. No, you might not love everything about a certain book, but try to find something you do like.

Even though I read as an escape from real life, reading for me is almost akin to living in a way. I get to live different lives through fictional characters.

Maybe I’m using reading as a metaphor or analogy for living. I’m not too sure. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not an English major.

I just hope readers don’t feel pressured to read what they don’t want to just because everyone else is. Case in point: Herminia and Harry Potter.

I also do my best to finish what I start, especially if I chose to buy the book with the thought I’ll enjoy the story. Or at least, enjoy some aspect of the work. Sometimes, it’s the writing. Other times, I’m a fan of the plot or I’m fond of the characters.

Besides, reading what you enjoy will always win out over the alternative of not enjoying yourself.

Am I ranting or rambling? I’m not even sure at this point. Now that I’m older and wiser, I hope going forward, I will decide what’s best for my interests. Not allow others to decide for me.

So go ahead, read what you want. If you realize you aren’t enjoying the book, read something else.

It’s perfectly fine to pick up another novel if you aren’t enjoying the one you’re on right now.

Reading, like life, is about timing. Perhaps you don’t appreciate a certain book at this exact moment. But maybe in the future, you will.

That might mean you’ll grow out of books. Stories you loved in the past might not have the same effect on you years later. This is okay.

After all, readers should read what their heart desires.

Live your life. Read the books you want. Have fun. Enjoy yourself while reading.

You don’t get that time back.