It’s been exactly one year since I got hit by a car.
On this day in 2018, I had class in the afternoon. I should’ve been home in the early evening. I didn’t get back until it was dark outside. Thankfully on February 6, 2019, I got home safe and sound.
I still think about all the things that happened. How the car slammed into my right leg, how I fell to the ground on my left elbow. Hearing the sirens grow louder. Riding to the hospital in the back of an ambulance. Waiting and more waiting. Having X-rays done. The paperwork and pain that followed. Every phone call to the police and insurance companies afterwards.
I doubt I’ll forget anytime soon. But I’ve come a long way. And despite all the setbacks, I’m so proud of myself.
I survived. I was able to walk away. I can walk and run and dance today. I hope I never take these blessings for granted.
I had some help along the way. I know no one else can possibly understand how I felt, not without experiencing everything I did. But I want to thank someone special. A small act of kindness made a big difference in my life.
Thank you for giving me hope when I needed it the most. Thank you for helping me more than you’ll ever know. Thank you for making me smile and laugh again. Thank you for pulling me out of hell. Thank you for the memories I’ll cherish forever. Thank you for everything.
This post has been incredibly difficult to write. I keep editing my thoughts before I even type them out.
More than anything, I hope one day I can tell the story I need to tell, and do it justice. After all, this isn’t someone else’s story. It’s my own.
I didn’t post daily in January. I also didn’t even write a blog post every day. Even though I was a little bothered by that, I’ve been more bothered by other things. Like burnout and blogger’s block, which is like writer’s block but worse. I had an easier time writing than blogging last month.
New month, new me. That said, I won’t be blogging all the time because I need to live my life. But I’m ready to get back into the grind. It’s not always easy, but I’m grateful for every opportunity.
I want to address being blocked so to speak. I don’t want to wait for inspiration. I’d rather get to work. For some reason, I didn’t have many great ideas in January. Even promising ones didn’t pan out. For instance, I drafted a one-word writing interview/Q&A. I liked the idea. I didn’t like the draft. And because I made it my goal in 2019 to publish content I’m proud of, I don’t want to post something for the sake of posting.
In regards to burnout, I started this blog in 2013. At the time, I wanted to publish every day. I was in high school. I wasn’t as busy. So I had more time and energy. But a lot has changed in five, almost six years. I’ve changed. WordPress has changed. What didn’t change was my stubborn commitment to blog daily. But 2018 was a hard year for me. I got hit by a car at the beginning of the year. Recovering was a long and exhausting process.
I was fortunate enough to go twenty years without anything truly traumatic happening to me. So I guess my point is that trying to blog every day while trying to let my body and brain heal made me burnout in a way I never experienced before.
It’s been nearly a year since my life changed forever, and I’m ready to live fully again.
My biggest fear in life isn’t failure. It’s not trying.
I somehow convince myself that I’m not good enough. As a result, I don’t try sometimes.
It’s 2019, and I’m still just as hard on myself, if not even harder.
I have to try. I have to try my best.
I know I don’t handle failure well though. I’m working on it. I wish I could easily embrace mistakes.
I’m aware that by not trying, in a way I avoid failing. Still, I fail in a different way. I fail if I don’t try.
This year, I want to take risks I haven’t before. If I don’t try, I’ll never know. If I don’t ask, the answer will always be no.
When I was younger, I was more fearless, less afraid. Back then, I felt like I had less to lose. But I don’t have much to lose now either.
Ideally, I’d publish a book before I have kids. Now that I’ve put my intention out into the world, I hope to follow through. The first step is trying to tell the best story I can. I’ve given myself a somewhat flexible due date. Without a timeline of some kind, I could spend my whole life writing novels but never publishing them. At this point, I just need to start somewhere. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, starting is the hardest part.
Sometimes I feel uninspired to create.
I’ve been wondering whether I want to write and blog every day in 2019. Even though I enjoy both, it’s hard work.
I want to be excited about the creative process again. I’m not giving up. Right now, I just need a new start.
At first, I felt like I had to create every day. Nowadays, I still feel a bit beholden to my past self.
I’m in a bit of a rut. I know I should make some changes, but that’s easier said than done.
Going forward, I will try not to be so hard on myself. As much as I love creating, I also love doing other things.
I know I’ll regret what I didn’t do more than what I did. I owe it to myself to live my life. Even if that means I don’t blog every day or write as much as before.
In many ways, I’m still trying to figure out my place in this world. As a blogger. As a writer. As a human being.
You’ll figure it out. Adjust, adapt. Sometimes well-laid plans don’t pan out. That’s life. Do the best you can given the circumstances. Put your self in a position to succeed even if it seems the world wants to see you fail.
Don’t blame anyone, yourself included. If you want it badly enough, you’ll work for it. Work hard.
It’s okay to compromise. You may have to compensate. Make sacrifices.
You owe no one anything. Never ask for permission to do what you love. Never ask for approval once you’ve done what you love. This life is yours and no one else’s. Make your own decisions instead of letting someone else make them for you.
You’re going to regret what you didn’t do more than you’ll ever regret all the things you did. Believe in your abilities. You’re more than capable. You can do anything you set your mind to.
Some things don’t matter nearly as much as you think they do. Know who you are. You shouldn’t change for the sake of changing.
You can’t be perfect, so stop trying to be. Nobody else is. Aim for excellence. Do more than you have to. Dream big. Dream bigger. You’re too good to rest on your laurels.
Stay true to your word because that’s all you have. You will reap the seeds you’ve sown in due time. Have the patience to follow through with things to the end. You’re almost there.
Take care of your body. Listen to it. You deserve to be happy. Do what brings you the most happiness. Remember not to feel ashamed about living your life in a way that feels right.
Set the bar high enough that you challenge yourself but not too high that you put yourself in a corner. Nothing is worth more than your health, your well-being.
Go full out, not halfway. Remember all you’ve had to overcome to get here. Count your blessings, your lucky stars. Take pride in the progress you’ve made.
You’ll be okay.
Today, I wrote my last exam for the fall semester. I can’t believe I only have one more semester of university left.
Classes start up again in January, and even though I’m excited, I feel nervous.
Exams finish in April. my graduation ceremony is in June.
After I graduate, I want to work and write.
I’m looking forward to what’s next. I feel like I’m already embarking on a new chapter in my life.
I don’t want to jump too far ahead because anything can happen between now and next year. But that doesn’t stop me from worrying about post-grad.
As much as I love blogging, I might publish less in the future. I’ve been trying to post every day in December, but I’m not sure what 2019 will bring. It’s going to be a year full of change.
I don’t see myself going back to university, at least not anytime soon. So I will try to pursue my dreams and see where life takes me.
I have every intention to keep learning and improving even after I finish school and start work. My goal is to become a better human being with each passing day.
Growing up, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write. I loved creative writing. I still do.
Over the years, I’ve seen my work change before my eyes. I’ve come so far. Of course, there’s so much further for me to go.
No matter what I do or don’t do in the years to come, I’ll still make writing a priority. I have no reason to rush the creative process. I can stop and smell the roses. I should enjoy this seemingly endless rollercoaster ride. I have to appreciate the highs as well as the lows.
I don’t know much. I do know that when I don’t write, I don’t feel right.
I wonder what kind of writing I’ll pursue further. Creative or professional? Something in between? Something else entirely? We’ll see.
I don’t want to regret not taking a risk, so I have to try at the very least. I don’t want to ask what if for the rest of my life.
I wish I could do everything, but I can’t. I just try to prioritize writing when possible. I don’t mind sacrificing other things. I’m even fine studying less if that means writing more. I suppose I’ve always seen myself as a writer.